


Surviving With You

by Pyreneese



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Collars, Consorts - Freeform, Darkfic, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Endgame Lawtsuda, Escape Plans, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Imprisonment, Love finds a way, Love gives Hope, Multi, Sex Tapes, Some Fluff, Starvation, The Author Regrets Everything, Torture, Trauma, this is messed up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:09:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 36,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27176368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pyreneese/pseuds/Pyreneese
Summary: Matsuda thought everyone died and that he'd be forced to live out his days as Kira's consort. When he finds L alive in a cell though, Matsuda's willing to try and escape, believing that with L, anything's possible... But L's not the same man he used to be...
Relationships: L/Matsuda Touta, L/Yagami Light, Matsuda Touta/Yagami Light
Comments: 68
Kudos: 85





	1. The Consort and the Prisoner

**Author's Note:**

> I've been working on this for a while, never really having the courage to post, but I figured why not. It's trying something new. I'm not sure how long this story's going to be (I'm thinking maybe around 10 chaps). It is extremely dark, but surprisingly, there will also be some moments of fluff :). This is the first time I've tried something like this, so hope you enjoy it! This was... interesting to write XD

**Flashing red lights.**

**Watari was dead.**

**Matsuda screams, holding onto his ears, sure that he's next.**

**His heart hammers so loudly that he's sure it's a heart attack.**

**All around him, people are falling and gagging, scratching at their chests. Soichiro's eyes bulge. Aizawa sobs from the pain. Mogi's already dead. He can hear L's frantic voice trying to call for help at the coms, but there is none... something hits the back of Matsuda's head and he crumples, the pain crashing through his skull and making him yelp. He slowly turns his gaze upwards. To glowing, malicious red eyes that burn like the fires of Hell. Matsuda whimpers, his vision fading. He's vaguely aware for a trickle of blood running down his temple, warm and sticky and getting in his eyes.**

**Light is Kira.**

**And he's killed everyone...**

* * *

Matsuda would often ask how his life came to this. It had started so promisingly. He came from a good home, with loving parents. Along the way, his father died and his mother turned to drinking, neglecting him. But... did that really explain how he ended up _here_? In Kira's bed? A part of him wondered why Light even kept him alive in the first place. Was it really just for this?

Light grunted, holding on to Matsuda's hips and crushing his face into the pillow. Matsuda moaned, rolling his hips back to meet Light's desperate, brutal thrusts. Even with the rough sex, Matsuda was all too aware of the camera set up a few feet away, the little red light holding steady. He felt dirty, put on display... but he had to make it a good show in order to stay alive...

"Light," Matsuda wheezed, bucking himself backwards, feeling Light's sweaty skin slapping against his own.

"Oh fuck," Light groaned, his hips jerking, "ahh ahhh... _Touta_!"

Matsuda bristled. He couldn't describe why, but he didn't like it when people used his first name. Perhaps he was just a traditionalist... Light didn't seem to mind people using his first name. In fact, he relished it, loved to draw it out as a long moan from Matsuda's lips.

Light plunged and roared, his movements becoming sporadic until Matsuda felt the other come inside of him. It was warm and sticky, and Matsuda was ashamed to say... familiar... after four years, Light's come felt familiar in his body, Kira's cock just an extension of himself. He twisted the bedsheets in between his fingers, heart racing. He wasn't done, but Light didn't care. All that mattered was that Kira got off. Rolling onto his back, Light stared up at the ceiling with a self-satisfied smile. Matsuda stayed in his position, his eyes squeezing. He was vaguely aware of Light softly dragging a finger down the back of his neck and over Matsuda's smooth metallic collar before trailing down his spine. Matsuda rested the side of his face on the pillow, moaning in the way he knew Light liked.

Light nibbled on Matsuda's earlobe, so gentle that the action could almost be mistaken for tenderness. Almost. Matsuda swallowed, reminding himself time and time again that Light wasn't the person he once thought. At one point in time, Matsuda would've stood by the belief that Light was a kind and intelligent person but that was just an illusion. He knew who Light really was. Kira. A young man with aspirations to be a god.

And he'd won.

"Thank you. You can go now," Light dismissed.

Matsuda pursed his lips, trying to not look annoyed. He twisted his neck, smiling tightly.

"Thank you, Kira-sama."

He forced himself to his feet, carefully adjusting his clothing. He hated it. Every part of this situation. He despised this skimpy clothing that didn't leave anything to the imagination. Hated how he was essentially Kira's toy and that if he listened, the guards would always refer to him as a whore to each other under their breaths. Matsuda hated everything.

He was aware of Light's eyes burning a hole into the back of his neck.

"Tell the camera who you love," Light breathed.

Matsuda stiffened. Swallowing, he addressed the lens, smiling sweetly, already imagining Light masturbating to the video.

"I love you, Kira-sama. I want to feel your come slathered all over me like the little whore I am."

The words were bitter but they had to be said. Light made a pleased sound, standing himself.

"Good Boy. Go have fun, now."

Matsuda bowed gratefully, bile rising in his throat.

As he stalked around the courtyard, some of Kira's maids dipped their heads respectfully. Matsuda sighed. At least being Kira's consort came with a few perks. The maids and palace staff treated him with an iota of respect. He wasn't abused by the guards and he was allowed in all the recreational areas of the castle. Of course that hadn't stopped him from trying to see the un-recreational areas, but at least he had places to disappear to.

Matsuda huffed bitterly. At least that was fucking something.

Koharu looked up from the window she was cleaning, smiling brightly. Matsuda exhaled shakily, trying to grin. She had her flaws, but if there was anyone here he could remotely consider a friend, it was her and Itsuki...

"You look terrible," she commented the second he stopped in front of her.

Matsuda bit his lip, sliding a hand through his hair with a resigned shrug.

"... Just sore."

Koharu pouted sympathetically. Her eyes twinkled.

"Just imagine if you were a woman! You could have Kira's baby and be his queen-" she sighed reverently.

A chill shot up Matsuda's spine, the color draining from his face. He gave a weak chuckle, nodding. Sometimes it was easy to forget that even Koharu had drunk the Kool-aid. That everyone in this god-forsaken place were just mindless, brainwashed fanatics.

"If only," Matsuda grit his teeth, "unfortunately, that... _honor._.. goes to Misa."

Instead of staying with her and listening to her sing Kira's praises, he marched off towards the grounds.

The grounds were a cruel joke.

They were lush fields with different elaborate gardens and a lake. The edge of the field was the tree-line for the forest... and the limit to Matsuda's freedom. He sank into the bright green grass, staring at the dark woods. So close... freedom was so close... he scratched at the collar, growling. Goddamnit. Matsuda stretched out on his back, looking at the soft clouds above him. He'd considered so many times just ending it all by taking a step into that forest. Sometimes it felt like death for freedom was better than this gilded cage. He shivered, his eyes misting. No... he wouldn't go through what Hina did...

_Matsuda was still in handcuffs at the time, attached to a lead and violently pulled by a guard. He stumbled, struggling to keep his footing and shooting the guard the dirtiest expression he could muster. Light leaned against the forest's closest tree, lips curled like a cat's. He motioned towards a bright orange line of tape on the ground, his voice dripping honey._

_"You'd probably love to leave, wouldn't you, Pet?"_

_Matsuda glowered, pulling on his handcuffs. He was scuffled, his eye swollen from when he'd tried attacking Light and the guards punched him._

_"You're a monster! You fucking liar, you killed your own father! How could you?! We trusted you. Now everyone's... everyone's dead because of you!"_

_Light gave a secretive smile, serene on his perfectly chiseled features. His dark amber eyes sparked wickedly, making Matsuda's knees buckle. Matsuda hated Light, had never felt such anger before. It was like a poison in his brain, urging him to kill the young man. Raising his fingers to his lips, Light whistled. One of the maids who Matsuda recognized as Hina stumbled forward, her eyes shining adoringly. Light batted his lashes, gently touching her chin._

_"Be a dear and walk into the forest for me? I want to show my Pet something."_

_Dread seeped into Matsuda's chest, his eyes wide. What did Light have in mind-?_

_Hina didn't question. Her faith in her god didn't waver. Matsuda watched in unabashed horror as she stepped over the tape... and the collar exploded, the boom making him fall to his knees. Her head rose in the air before falling down and lamely bouncing across the grass, each low thud like its own mini-explosion. Its lower half was crisped and shredded, pieces of flesh hanging and bone cracked. One of her eyeballs had been completely destroyed, but the other stared at the sky, still adoring and faithful._

_A scream tore through Matsuda's throat. He tried scrambling backwards, but the guards roughly grabbed him, holding him steady. Matsuda shrieked, kicking and trying to free himself. He tried getting to his feet, but he was kicked into a forced bow, his head hanging and his face close to the dirt. His entire body shook, terror numbing him. All he could do was beg as Light bent and carefully attached the collar around his neck, the loud click like a gun. Light leaned into Matsuda's ears, making his chest tighten uncomfortably, his eyes large and horrified._

_"If this collar opens without my key, it'll explode as well. Give up. You're too stupid to come up with an escape plan. Just enjoy the life I'll give you. You'll never be hungry or cold. You'll be my consort... my favorite."_

_Matsuda couldn't do anything but whimper._

Matsuda flinched, his stomach gurgling threateningly. Light was right... he turned on his sides, feeling the soft grass tickle his face, his mind drifting. There was no escape. And if there was, he was too stupid to see it. He'd walked the entire perimeter, tried to find spare collars to study and learn their weaknesses. For four years, Matsuda kept looking for an escape. But it always felt like he was chasing his own tail. Yes, it was impossible. L was right to always call him an idiot... Matsuda's heart clenched. L... he knew the detective had to be dead, there was no reason for Light to spare him when he'd killed everyone else. A part of him wished he'd seen the detective one last time. There was something beautiful about L that he could never put his finger on.

He smiled wistfully, remembering what a bumbling idiot he'd been around L. Spilled coffee here, misplaced report there, always stuttering and unable to look L in those brilliant grey eyes... tears pressed the back of his eyes.

 _Holy shit... this is my life_.

Shame welled up in his mind. He curled in on himself, trembling.

Alone, literally and figuratively fucked. His life was a joke.

Matsuda chewed the inside of his cheek, his jaw tensing. This may have been his life... but it didn't mean he couldn't stop trying.

He'd escape.

* * *

Light rewatched the video, grinning. It was a damn good angle, both of the profiles visible, their connection on display for the lens. He watched the way Matsuda's face twisted in a delicious mix of pleasure and despair.

Holding the camera to his chest, he moved to the staircase where the guard was stationed. The man straightened, stoic and adoring in the presence of his god. Light smirked.

"It's time to pay my favorite prisoner a visit, wouldn't you agree?"

Without waiting for an answer, Light stepped past him, moving down the staircase, the only light coming from old lights attached to the walls. He supposed the castle in general was rather archaic, but Light enjoyed the old medieval feel. Every step made his cock harden in anticipation as his grip on the camera tightened. Light opened the door at the bottom of the stairs, smiling serenely.

"Good morning, how are we today? I have a new movie for you!"

* * *

A few days later, Matsuda sat on top of the wall, biting into his apple. Technically he wasn't supposed to lounge there, but fuck Kira. He continued eating his apple, sighing to himself. It was a chilly day, clouds laden in the sky and threatening to rain. He could feel he moisture heavy in the air. Just as he predicted, it started raining, making his hair cling to the back of his neck and dripping off his eyelashes.

After a few minutes, it got cold and he ducked into the veranda, twisting the water out of his locks. He stood there watching the earth get soaked, looking beyond the droplets towards the forest... always looming there... so close yet out of reach. Matsuda dug through his pocket, taking out a cigarette, another forbidden commodity, and placed it between his lips. He leaned against the column, his eyes distant, lines along his face. They made him look much older than 28.

From behind him, he heard a cough and turned to see Koharu. She was pale, wiping a her nose. Her eyes were red but she smiled weakly, holding up a covered dish.

"Sorry to disturb you, just on my way to Kira's dungeon."

Matsuda's brow quirked.

"The dungeon's in the opposite direction."

She blinked, faltering.

"Hm? Oh, no, he has a private prisoner over there," she motioned to his right.

Well that was news. Matsuda stared at her, his eyes wide. Was there any way he could use this to his advantage? Maybe something to finally get rid of Light? He smiled innocently, pouting sympathetically.

"You don't look well."

"I-I'm fine," she rasped, sounded stuffy. Matsuda shook his head.

"It's getting colder by the day. You should really try to limit your time outside. I could take the food."

Koharu hesitated, obviously uncomfortable with the prospect. But eventually she sighed, nodding slowly. She did feel like shit. And she trusted that the man would protect her. Handing Matsuda the plate, she gave some quick directions. There was a cell beneath the north tower.

Matsuda bristled, staring. He'd been in the north tower before. It was nothing but administrative papers. He thanked her, walking briskly along the veranda. In the distance, a clap of thunder echoed in his ears, in his brain. It was soon followed by lightning as he approached the north tower, holding the food out for inspection for the guard. Thankfully, it was Itsuki. Matsuda knew he wouldn't tell Light about this little visit. The guard was Matsuda's supplier of cigarettes, alcohol, and banned movies. In exchange, Matsuda always spoke highly of him to Light. Over the years, Matsuda had learned how be a good ear worm, whispering to Light and effectively controlling the castle's staff.

He made his way down stone stairs, each step foreboding. Old lights flickered unsteadily, the bulbs threatening to burn out. Matsuda shrank, his grip on the dish so tight that his knuckles were white. A clap of thunder almost made him jump, but he continued downwards to an inconspicuous door.

Matsuda slowly opened the door to reveal a room, half of it cut off by bars, and behind those bars...

He gasped, stumbling backwards.

" _ **Ryuzaki**_?!"

I-it was... L... He stared at the man, in such shock that he couldn't feel emotions at first.

L was sitting on the floor with his back against the wall, legs stretched out. His eyes were on Matsuda, but it felt like the man's gaze was going right through him. Gripping the doorway for support, Matsuda laughed nervously, sliding a hand through his hair.

"Y-you're alive?! T-This is incredible! We can figure out a way to escape and-and take Kira down!" He beamed, his words coming out in a tumble and eyes shining.

L didn't say anything.

Matsuda faltered, scanning over the prisoner... his face fell in realization, a sick twistedness in his stomach.

L had been tortured.

There were dark and healing bruises along L's face a neck. His usual clothing was sullied and torn, hanging in loose tatters around his body. L's body... it was emaciated... so thin that his face was almost translucent, his cheeks hollow and his eyes sunken. L's hair had grown extraordinarily long, and yet was more matted than when Matsuda had last seen him.

He took a cautious step towards the bars, looking at chains attached to L's wrists and ankles, the metal chafing the skin and making it raw.

"... Ryuzaki..."

There was a chair set up in front of the bars. T-the camera that Light used to record sex was sitting innocently in the middle. Matsuda slowly picked it up and hit play. As far as he could tell, it was the same sex tape he'd recorded with Light a few days ago. He glanced at L, biting his lip. Why was the camera here?

"Ryuzaki, can you... speak?"

L blinked slowly, his chapped lips moving wordlessly. Matsuda leaned closer before he could distinctly make out the man mouthing 'water'. Blinking rapidly, Matsuda ran to get some water, holding it in front of the bars. He wished he had the key to actually go inside... but such was life.

Grunting, L whimpered as he shifted, crawling towards Matsuda. His long fingers were shaking as he took the cup through the bars, pressing his mouth up to the cold metal and tipping the cup back.

He gasped as the life-giving liquid sloshed down his throat and he lapped at the drops greedily, swaying. Matsuda watched quietly, his tongue heavy in his mouth. L drank too quickly, much too quickly, and soon was missing the water. He sat back, breathing heavily. The simple exertion of crawling a few feet left him tired and drained. When L looked up, Matsuda couldn't recognize the person behind the eyes. Like someone broken and hollow had stolen the man's face.

"Matsuda," L rasped, trembling, "... it's you..."

"Y-yeah," Matsuda sat on the ground, scooting closer, "it's me... what did he do to you?"

"... Nothing..." L averted his eyes. Even now, he was prideful. He refused to tell Matsuda how he'd been defiled and tortured. L's hand gently came up to the side of his neck, covering a bite-mark as he looked at the other. "Thank you. The last time Light gave me water was two days ago."

Matsuda gaped, anger flashing up his system. He noticed the way L shrank in on himself, trying to hide his body. A deep, ugly hatred unlike anything Matsuda had ever know rose in the back of his throat. He nodded determinedly.

"I'm going to find a way to get you out, Ryuzaki. Come on, we can escape together."

Matsuda made to stand, but L simply shook his head. L curled in on himself, every move sending a fiery pain through his backside and he winced, hanging his head. Matsuda caught a glimpse of a bite-mark on L's hip and had to restrain himself from the anger. The prisoner's eyes flickered over Matsuda's face.

"Don't bother," he whispered, "Kira has our names and faces. It's useless."

"It's not!" Matsuda cried out, "I-I'll neutralize-"

"Touta... do what you feel you must... I know I'm going to die here."

He really believed that? Matsuda swallowed thickly, touching at the bars.

"But- No! You won't! I'll find a way! I'll save you!" Matsuda exclaimed, fully believing himself. It was L! The greatest detective that ever lived, the only soul who could truly challenge Kira. He'd die if it meant rescuing the detective.

Save? L had given up on that dream years ago. And the way Matsuda said it... as if they actually had a chance to escape...

"Don't be an idiot," L suddenly snapped, glowering bitterly.

Matsuda reeled back in surprise.

"Wha-"

"I said! Don't be a naive idiot," L snarled, shivering. He bared his teeth. "Get out!"

"Ryuza-"

"I said get out!" L's voice cracked, "You think everything's fucking sunshine and rainbows, don't you?! _GET OUT!_ "

Startled, Matsuda stood. He was about to run to the door when L pitched forward, sobbing. Not sure what to do, Matsuda stood there, staring at the man, his heart cracking.

L winced in pain as he brought his knees to his chin, burying his face out of view. Tears rolled down his cheeks, and his whole body rattled with the cries. He couldn't have Matsuda here, with that sweet face giving him hope. Making his dead heart stir. He didn't know how Light realized, but Kira found out that L had once had a crush on Matsuda. The closest thing to a crush L was capable of at least... Light would come down every week with a new 'movie'. Him fucking Matsuda into the mattress, their moans and loud gasps filling the static air. L had gotten good about letting the sounds roll off his shoulders, telling himself that the man who he wanted wasn't real. That Matsuda was just a pixel on the screen. It was easier.

But now he was here. Saying he wanted to _save_ L. After years of only knowing Kira's cruelness, hearing excitability and soft kindness was making him fall apart. Making him want and dream.

"Please get out," L shuddered.

"We're all that's left," Matsuda breathed, "I'm not leaving you." _I still love you_...

He never thought he'd see the detective like this... so utterly destroyed. Yet he found it was true. The second he saw L, something swelled in his heart, and he felt alive for the first time in years. There was no way in Hell that he'd leave L. Without looking at Matsuda, L crumpled onto his side, gripping his hair, his body in a tight ball. He tried to survive the rocking wave, feeling his defenses wavering and threatening to obliterate him. Was he finally going insane?

"You're not real," L murmured to himself, "t-this is a hallucination. Please don't hurt me... please don't-"

"I'm not a hallucination." Matsuda's voice was serious and grounding.

It made L slowly twist to look at him, grey eyes red and still shining with tears. He sniffled, his limbs shaking. Matsuda kneeled, his eyes set in a terrifying conviction.

"We're getting out of here."

L gaped, slowly hugging himself, forcing himself back into that nirvana state. Where nothing got to him. Maybe a part of him still believed the other was just a hallucination. _Water. Think of the water. Not a hallucination_. He made his shoulders roll nonchalantly.

"Um... y-yeah, okay. Whatever. If- if you can find a way to come back tomorrow, we can brainstorm... I'm tired right now... still recovering."

He subconsciously rubbed his legs together.

Matsuda's eyes misted, so many different emotions battling in his brain. He nodded slowly.

"Okay... I'll come back tomorrow..."

He slipped the dish of food through the slot and stepped for the door, his eyes roaming over L's curled up form. He expected the man to say something. But when L didn't, Matsuda retreated.

L stayed in that position, the food untouched, staring at the floor. Naive. Stupid. He shivered, swallowing. Matsuda was the first person besides Light who he'd spoken to in four years. Neither the maids or guards ever spoke. It felt odd and new.

His eyes slipped shut, begging sleep to claim him.

Matsuda quickly made his way back to his and Light's room, stretching out on the bedsheets and staring at the ceiling.

He couldn't stop thinking about the encounter. About L. Old feelings had resurfaced and a new resolve. Matsuda wasn't just surviving for himself anymore.

Even when he was pinned under Light, accepting warm, sticky come that dripped down his thighs and filled him with a sick sense, Matsuda felt like he had a purpose now. He'd save L. No matter what it took.


	2. Games

Rapist, murderer, dictator.

In Light's eyes, they were all poor labels. Distasteful and untrue. He was a god living among humans. Rapist? Taking what was rightfully his. Murderer? Cleansing the world. Dictator? Following his destiny and leading the sheep. He was their shepherd.

Light wasn't a bad person.

He was good.

Light made his way down to L's cell, smiling brightly. L was slumped against the wall, staring blankly at the floor. He loved this game he played between him and L. The rules were simple... L would endure until he could not. And then either L died and Matsuda took his place in the cell, or L agreed to switch places with Matsuda, trading in this hole in the ground for a life of relative luxury and peace while Matsuda got the cell.

It was the only reason why Light kept Matsuda alive.

Four years and still going. Light had to admit he was impressed. Kira clasped his hands together, making L jump and sluggishly look at him.

"Good morning," Light chirped pleasantly, "good news! Today's Bath Day."

Through the disgust, L perked up, his mouth gaping slightly. Bath Day... thank God. It was never exactly a pleasant experience, but at least he came out of the exchange clean. The guards came in, keeping him handcuffed and grabbing him by arms, dragging him. His feet slid against the floor, his muscles too weak to fight the rough treatment. There was a bathroom in the north tower with a large tub. Bath Day was usually once every two weeks. As much as L hated to admit it, it was the highlight of his life. A full hour when the chains were off. He stayed still, shivering as one of the guards stripped him, the other holding his gun to L's head, leaving him standing naked in the middle of the bathroom. He poked at his sunken-in ribs, stark against his pale skin.

L squeaked when Light's arms wrapped around him, his body pressed against L's scrawny one. Instantly, L started shaking, rattling in Light's grip and wanting to slide to the floor. His eyes slipped shut when Kira pressed his lips to the back of L's neck, his voice vibrating.

"Let's get you clean, hm?"

L nodded slowly.

The water smelled sweet and slowly stepping into it made his skin tingle. He slowly sank in to his chest, feeling the water slosh as Light entered beside him, gently pulling L against him. L hesitated, holding his arms. He avoided eye contact, shrinking. Light watched him amusedly, patting his lap.

"Even you need human contact. It doesn't feel nice?"

Shame rose up like a wall in his mind. Yet L couldn't stop himself from crawling onto Light's lap, curling into the other's body heat. Light's member stood hard against L's thigh, but he tried not to think about that. It was ironic, really. L had spent his whole life avoiding human contact, believing they were nothing but deceptive creatures. But it became all he craved. To the point where he was seeking comfort in _Kira's_ lap. Against himself, he nuzzled Light's throat, kissing the soft skin.

He lightly nibbled the other's ear and trailed his lips down Light's jaw. He stiffened when Light ever-so-gently stroked down his back, washing him, and L thought he'd cry. From confusion. From pain. From lust. From despair and desire. He closed his eyes, exhaling wherever Light's fingers passed... whenever Light gripped him and slowly pumped him under the water. He leaned back, resting his cheek in the crook of Light's shoulder and whimpering, his toes curling from a sick pleasure. Light's hands continued on L's shaft, making him disoriented.

Kira kissed the top of his head.

"Doesn't this feel good?"

"... Yes, Kira-sama..."

Light played with L's hair.

"You think I'm kind, don't you?"

"... Yes, Kira-sama..."

"You could have this every day. You know I hate having to be so rough with you. Choose me over Matsuda. Switch places with him."

Matsuda... L's nostrils flared, trying to get a grip on himself. But he'd been slipping for years, Kira slowly chipping away at his resolve. No, he'd never sacrifice Matsuda like that. Not for himself. Rather than respond, L stared at that toned, tan chest as Light bathed him so gently that it could be mistaken for kindness. But it never lasted.

As soon as L was clean, he was taken back to his cell and fucked until he felt like he was on fire. Until Light made sure he knew who he belonged to.

L was in a horizontal ball when Light left. He didn't bother to stop the tears.

The sound of footsteps woke L. He gingerly poked at a new bite-mark on his shoulder, his first thought being that Light had come back.

"Psst. Ryuzaki? You awake?"

Matsuda?

L twisted around in his little bed, staring in astonishment. The man... was back? Hadn't been scared off when he saw how broken L was? He stared at the other man, not daring to move. As if the second he did, Matsuda would disappear. L grunted, but managed to slide to the floor, wrapping a blanket around his shoulders. His eyes widened when he saw a box with a chess set tucked under Matsuda's arm.

"What are you doing?" L asked quizzically.

Matsuda shrugged, plopping to the ground and setting up all the pieces.

"Playing chess, what does it look like? Light's meeting with various world leaders, so he won't be back for a while."

Just hearing Light's name made L flinch. He settled, watching the chessboard with dull eyes. It'd been so long since he'd played chess... he found he just didn't have that competitive nature anymore... didn't care about the game or testing his mind. The current game he played with Light had been enough to make him despise mind games. L quietly wrung his fingers, avoiding Matsuda's eyes.

"N-no thank you..."

"We really should. Itsuki thinks that's why I'm down here."

"That's not the reason?" L asked innocently.

Matsuda gave him an odd expression.

"Um... no... I know you'd beat me at chess in two seconds flat. We have to talk about an escape plan."

Not this again. L rolled his eyes, crossing his arms with a huff.

"Not possible."

"Will you stop saying that?" Matsuda growled, "Can you at least take a look at my collar? See if there's a way to deactivate it?"

L shrugged, supposing he could. Matsuda pressed his neck to the bars and L's heart jumped. The first person he'd really touched in four years... he didn't count the guards, whose touch was cold and detached. L's fingers trembled as he reached out, feeling the warmth of Matsuda's neck, all the pores and hairs that tickled his skin.

A shiver shot up Matsuda's spine when he felt L's long fingers, soft and gentle, feeling along the collar's outline. After a few moments of examination, L rose a thoughtful thumb to his lips, eyes deep in concentration.

"If the collar is opened by force, it'll explode. I also found that if accessed remotely, the collar can either give you a sedative or a slight shock. I'm also guessing there's a perimeter you must be within?"

Matsuda nodded with a heavy sigh, lightly touching at the cool silver. He didn't need to be told twice about the shock. Every time he'd tried to kill Light, Kira would simply laugh it off and shock him until he was sure Matsuda had learned his lesson.

"Any idea on how to get it off?"

L remained quiet, thinking. He shook his head slowly.

"It's too pressed to your skin, I'd be too afraid of disturbing it. The only way to safely remove it is with the key."

Matsuda deflated. He considered, opening his mouth.

"Alright, so we'll just put that on the back-burner. I have to figure out a way to get you out, you don't have a collar-"

"We will," L whispered, sitting back. The lines under his eyes had gotten deeper and Matsuda was struck by how exhausted the man looked. L's throat bobbed. "Can we take a break?... I'm tired."

"... Of course," Matsuda said sympathetically, slowly sitting.

He set up the chess board, the two of them simply playing quietly. L's eyes moved up to Matsuda, something shockingly gentle in those grey eyes.

"B8 to C6... How do the castle staff treat you?"

Matsuda blinked, shrugging. He moved L's knight into position.

"No surprise, they're all Kira fanatics. Even the more moderate ones worship Li- Kira."

"Hm. Do they hurt you?"

"No," Matsuda said instantly, "they treat me very well."

The other exhaled in relief.

"I'm glad," L breathed, swallowing. Matsuda continued.

"Which I find rather suspicious... I still haven't figured out why Light kept me alive, much less why he'd want me as a consort. And he gives me amenities, but I can't see Kira really wanting me." Matsuda paused, lips twitching sheepishly, "am I rambling?"

"I don't mind."

Huh. Four years ago, L would've called him a blathering idiot. Matsuda looked up at him, his stomach straining. L's skin was grey and sickly. A ghost of a smile was on those thin lips as L pulled the blanket tighter around himself. He couldn't answer Matsuda, didn't want him to know the truth about why he was still alive. He knew the guilt would crush Matsuda, the thought that he wasn't being tortured at L's expense. Instead, he tried changing subjects.

"I um, haven't seen the sun... or rain... or snow... in years. What's the weather like today?"

Matsuda's breath caught. Such a simple request. He nodded slowly.

"Yesterday there was a storm and it's still cloudy today... a blanket of grey hanging over your head. There's moisture in the air-" He noticed L closing his eyes, imagining it, "-even though you don't feel electricity, your skin prickles and you know you're going to see powerful, terrifying flashes of light at any second."

L whimpered a longing sound. He swayed, shuddering.

"It sounds amazing..."

Matsuda smiled gently.

"You'll get to see the sky again. And stars... there are so many."

Stars. What a dream. They continued playing, talking about whatever came to mind.

Matsuda froze, staring at the chess board.

"I _won_?!"

L cocked his head to the side.

"I guess I'm out of practice."

The other's eyes lit up, his smile beaming. It made L's own lips twitch upwards, dull eyes sparking in a moment of joy. Of course he'd thrown the game... but that look on Matsuda's face had made it worthwhile. The way his face shone took L's breath away. L scanned the man's warm brown eyes, his heart sluggishly beating faster, as if it didn't know how to.

"You have a wonderful smile," L croaked.

Matsuda faltered, his cheeks flushing.

"Really? T-thank you!... You have an amazing smile too."

For the first time since Matsuda had found him, L gave a genuine, honest to God smile. His grey eyes sparkled with the compliment. It was so sweet and honest. Not like the disgusting, dirty things Light tried to pass off as compliments.

"Thank you."

They played chess until Matsuda had to go. He didn't want to. He wished he could stay here with L forever. But eventually he had to face reality and pack up the chess set, slipping for the door and bounding up the stairs.

He sat on the veranda's railing, looking out towards the forest for the millionth time. Matsuda sat there for a collective ten minutes before Light stormed out of one of the rooms, amber eyes blazing. Matsuda tensed under the fierce rage.

"K-Kira-sama," Matsuda greeted.

Light blinked, grunting a rough greeting and making a beeline for the north tower.

"The fucking leader of Australia refuses to submit. I'm going to blow off some steam, maybe get some paper-work done. You go back to our room and get yourself ready," Light called over his shoulder.

A shiver ran down Matsuda's spine. Sex between him and Light was rough... he didn't want to imagine what the crazed man thought 'blowing off steam' was. _L_... There was nothing Matsuda could do... he felt so powerless... Matsuda felt bad, like he was using L's suffering to his own advantage. But the fact of the matter was that while Light was with L, Matsuda could do some exploring. He wasn't allowed in Light's office, the guards would definitely detain and call Kira. He paced in their room thoughtfully. The bedroom was a bust. Matsuda had already torn it apart looking for something. Maybe if he snuck, he could get into Kira's office... but then do what? He had no idea what he was looking for, just hoping he'd recognize it when he saw it.

Nevertheless, he went, sifting through papers that didn't give any information. He checked the same drawers he'd checked a million times, shaking his head in defeat, retreating before his absence could be noticed.

He lay in his and Light's bed, staring at the ceiling. The voices berated him, calling him too stupid. Ideally, he'd be able to find Light's key for the collar. The collar was only taken off for cleaning, and seeing how the lock was on the back of Matsuda's neck, he'd never seen what the key looked like.

When Light trudged in, he tossed a large black key into the dresser. It was always much too large for the collar, and Matsuda had never been able to figure out what it was for. Now, though... Matsuda blinked, his eyes widening a fraction. Light had just come back from visiting L. What if that was the key for L's cell? Or L's chains? Either way, something told Matsuda the key was related to the prisoner.

In the first months of being Light's consort, Kira was always so careful around Matsuda, never slipping up or letting information loose. But Matsuda scanned Light's tired but satisfied form, his heart drumming. _He's become complacent. He sees me every day, he doesn't see me as a threat_. Matsuda didn't even have to fake his smile.

"Welcome home," he purred, stretching over the sheets.

Light faltered and smiled, slowly moving beside Matsuda. Matsuda tensed, smiling sweetly when Light leaned in, his breath hot on Matsuda's lips. Light sighed longingly.

"I wish I could stay, Pet, but Misa's at our apartment. She gets pissy if I'm gone for too long."

Matsuda nodded sagely, pretending to pout. He was used to this. Usually Light stayed about four nights a week, but it wasn't unheard of for Misa to want more time dedicated to her. As a popular model and actress, she couldn't just disappear to come to the castle, and Light still needed a connection to the outside world to keep up appearances. Matsuda also had a sneaking suspicion that the death note wasn't even on the castle's grounds, but with Misa. That's all Matsuda had figured out. He didn't know anything about the world's state outside his prison.

Smirking, Light captured Matsuda's lips, nibbling on the bottom one, sliding his tongue throughout Matsuda's mouth. Matsuda's moan dripped with artificial lust, tugging at Light's shoulders. His eyes were lidded and in awe as Light stood and left, the door closing behind him. The second the door was closed, the expression fell from Matsuda's face. He crept to the dresser, carefully sliding the top drawer open and grabbing the key.

He waited until it was late, approaching midnight, before he grabbed a dark cloak, carefully adjusting it on his shoulders.

Slipping out into the pitch black hallway, Matsuda crept for the kitchens. It was stocked to a tee, each shelf filled back to front and the fridge practically overflowing. Grabbing a bowl, Matsuda sifted through the various foods, tossing in a bunch of grapes, a piece of bread, some leftover grilled chicken and a cookie for good measure. He grabbed a water bottle and beamed, walking calmly out of the kitchen. He was allowed to take whatever food he pleased.

Matsuda hid his face, slipping out into the pitch black hallway and creeping towards the north tower, expertly avoiding the guards. He didn't know what he'd do with the guard at the top of the stairs... he peered around the corner and deadpanned.

The guard was asleep.

Matsuda had to cover his mouth to stifle a laugh. Hey, he wasn't complaining. He moved past the guard, his bare feet quiet on the stone stairs.

Opening the door, Matsuda stepped up to the cell and blanched, instantly sick to his stomach.

Even in the crappy bulb's low light, he could see he injuries on L. An ugly, swollen black eye and a large welt on his cheek. L was sitting up in his bed, watching Matsuda quietly.

He didn't mean to, but Matsuda's eyes couldn't help roaming over the other man's state... a dark handprint splayed across L's throat, scratch marks along his arms, the fabric of his shirt torn... dried blood on his backside.

L started to shrink away, but noticed the bowl of food in Matsuda's hands. He straightened, his eyes going longing. It was such a desperate, almost joyful expression that Matsuda gaped.

"How often does Light feed you?"

"The bare minimum to stay alive," L murmured absently, still eyeing the food.

Matsuda brought the key out of his pocket, smirking. L blinked, staring at it incredulously. Matsuda simply shrugged.

"Light's becoming complacent. And arrogant."

For just a moment, Matsuda entertained the idea of opening the cell, picking the lock on L's chains and setting the detective free. He'd sit in the grass and watch L disappear into the forest, into the rest of his life. But as long as Light had that damn book, they'd always be Kira's prisoners, no matter where they went. He quickly shook off the motion and unlocked the cell's door, stepping inside.

L watched him from his bed, thumb going to his lips. Someone else besides Light was in his cell... it felt foreign and odd. Matsuda silently asked permission to sit on the bed beside L and he gave it, scooting over to make room.

Trying to hide his smile, Matsuda held out the bowl.

"Light might be a delusional cult-leader... but his people make _damn_ fine food."

L actually snorted, his nose crinkling as he laughed quietly. He nodded, eagerly taking the bowl from Matsuda and digging in. Each small piece of food made his entire body warm and buzz contently. Matsuda watched, his heart stirring. L ate all of it, from the sweet cookies to the not-sweet-at-all chicken. Matsuda wasn't sure if he'd ever seen anyone in such bliss before.

L stared down at his empty bowl, whimpering. Matsuda quickly held out the water bottle, which was taken just as greedily. L tipped his head back, guzzling the liquid, his eyes lidding in pleasure.

He finally settled, his back against the wall. L wiped at his mouth, eyes shining with a deep gratitude.

"Thank you," L whispered.

For the first time in years, he felt _full_.

"Ryuza-"

"Mm, please... call me L. It's my name."

Matsuda cocked his head in interest.

"Just L?"

L licked his fingers, seeking any taste he could.

"Yup."

"... Is there a reason?"

"You'd have to ask my parents, but they're dead," L sighed, his tongue still running desperately over his teeth.

Rather than dig, Matsuda pressed his own back to the wall, just listening to the distant creaks of the tower with L. L's voice came soft.

"There's a bathroom where Kira bathes me... I wish I was taking a bath."

He's been bathed, what, twelve hours ago? And already felt filthy. Matsuda's brow furrowed determinedly.

"There are some odorless baby wipes in the bathroom. I'll bring the box tomorrow."

Seriously? L stared and stared, his lip quivering. He gave a smile so genuine that lit up his features and took Matsuda's breath away. L's voice was rasped, his skin practically glowing from just the one good meal.

"Thank you... you're a kind person."

Matsuda's stomach flipped pleasantly, his eyes fond.

"L... I swear to you. I know it seems hopeless. And you've gone through... things no person should... but I'll always be there for you."

L inhaled. Over the past few years, he'd accepted that he was on his own. That he didn't matter. But Matsuda's face was convinced and determined. L gave a watery laugh, swiping at his eyes.

"You are _relentlessly_ optimistic." But there was no malice behind the words. Just admiration.

Matsuda's chest puffed out proudly.

"Hell yes, I am."

They chuckled softly, scanning each others' features. Hugging his knees, L tilted his head.

"What's your favorite thing to do in the castle?"

Matsuda considered, scratching at his chin. L observed, etching out Matsuda's features into his mind, memorizing the warm color of his eyes, the highlights in his hair. L's heart fluttered, his throat bobbing.

"Probably hanging out in the field. No one really bothers me and it's the closest I can get to the forest."

L listened intently, hanging off every word. He asked questions, getting caught up in Matsuda's life, trying to escape his own Hellhole.

"Can you... talk?" L croaked, "About anything. Your life, your hobbies... anything."

Matsuda observed him, smiling gently. He did that, launching into various, random stories, from small, funny anecdotes to long sagas from his life. At some point, L didn't know when, his good cheek was resting on Matsuda's shoulder as the man kept talking.

He was so full, watered and just feeling... safe... that L fell asleep, his body curled against Matsuda's.

Matsuda paused in his story, looking down at the sleeping face in awe, hearing quiet snores. His heart clenched and he had the greatest urge to stroke L's hair, but he resisted. He wanted to fall asleep with the prisoner... but that would be much too dangerous. Matsuda had to leave before the sun rose. He sighed longingly, leaning into L, his voice a whisper.

"Goodnight... I love you..."


	3. Unknown Rules

_There were many things L expected to be. Bored was not one of them._

_Although he supposed that in a strange, unexpected way... this was his torture. His brain starved for puzzles and exercise, to test its limits. Sitting in this cell just waiting for Light made his mind hunger. He spent the days searching along his cell for cameras and wiretaps, crawling up the bars and inspecting the ceiling, pulling the chains as far as they'd go. The only change was a person who always stared at the ground, bringing him sugarless oatmeal, sliding it through the slot, and leaving without another word._

_It was two weeks before Light visited him, and to his annoyance, he found himself eager for Light's presence._

_"Ryuzaki... or should I say L?" He smiled knowingly._

_L shrugged, thumb going to his lips and swirling around the chapped skin. It didn't surprise him that the man knew his name. L stiffened when Light opened the cell door and stepped inside. For just a moment, he entertained the idea of wrapping his chains around Kira's throat. Pulling and squeezing until he died._

_But that wouldn't do anything. The guards would kill L._

_He perched on the balls of his feet, watching Light intently._

_"Are you going to rape me?" He asked bluntly._

_That managed to get a reaction out of Light. Unexpectedness and a gaping mouth. He daresay Kira even looked flustered. Light quickly recovered though, his brow quirking._

_"Odd name for it."_

_"But that's what it is," L shrugged. Claiming L as a prize. A declaration of victory and the start of a new game. He had to admit that Light won the Kira game, and it was a game well-played. It was only natural for the next game to become even more intense. L idly wondered if the other had deluded himself into believing he had feelings for L. "Have you ever raped someone before?"_

_Light scowled, straightening._

_"I'm not a rapist!" He snarled viciously. He killed rapists! He was justice!_

_L's eyes remained owlish and unblinking._

_"Very well... then have you ever had sex with a man?"_

_Light's cheeks burned a bright red, his jaw clamping. Fuck. How was L finding footing when he was in such a helpless position? Light sneered._

_"Have **you?** Come to think of it, have you ever had sex? With anyone?"_

_L's gaze was piercing, the black of his eyes endless voids._

_"Yes."_

_It was a lie. L was a virgin... and he knew he'd lose that virginity to Light. Still. Light scowled, trying to decide whether or not he believed the man. Finally, Light sat on the bed, motioning towards L._

_"Drop the pants, I want to see what I'm working with."_

_L detected a hint of nervousness... a teenager who had no idea what the fuck he was doing. He made a show of rolling his eyes._

_Every movement was mechanical, almost if L was bored. The chain prevented the clothing from falling to the floor, but he was able to stand naked in front of Light. He didn't bother covering himself, trying to rationalize that there was no point. Light would fuck him, and it would do best to pretend to not care. But deep down... he did... his thoughts wandered to Matsuda, wishing he was standing naked in front of him instead._

_Light moved forward, experimentally gripping L's member. The other didn't dignify the action with an emotional response. Matsuda... L wanted to pretend it was Matsuda. But as Light's thumb passed over his slit, L felt blood rushing to his organ, it standing on its own accord. He swayed, his blood simmering with a low fire. His mask didn't break._

_"Turn around," Light breathed._

_L did. There was no preparation. No stretching. Just a hard cock flush against his ass. L's body wanted to tremble, but he sank his teeth into his tongue until he could taste blood. No matter how painful it was... no matter how much he wanted to scream and cry... he told himself he wouldn't. That it'd be useless._

_And then Light shoved himself inside. And a squeak almost left L's throat. The pain was ripping. Shredding his inner walls and making him feel gutted from the inside, filling him completely and wholly. Light forced him forward._

_"Bend."_

_L obeyed, slowly lowering his upper-half and feeling Light somehow sink even deeper, the pain all-consuming. But his expression stayed guarded. Even when Light moved, his member throbbing and pulsating through L, he didn't make a sound. Just listened to the sounds of skin slapping skin, Light's pleasured grunts as one hand buried itself into L's hair. The roar Light gave. Warm thickness filled L, dripping from him and sliding down his thighs. Light leaned forward, his breath tickling L's ear._

_"Oh, by the way. Matsuda's alive. He's my new consort."_

_L's eyes widened._

_"Just say the word and the two of you will switch places. You'll get libraries and theater-rooms, a large bed with silk quilts and indulgent baths. He'll be brought here. Seems fair, no?"_

_"What makes you think I care about Matsuda's wellbeing?"_

_Light's lips curled. He remembered nights when L would finally fall asleep, usually around five in the morning and he could hear soft moaning sounds... once or twice even caught Matsuda's name falling from the detective's lips._

_"I just know... Choose me, Baby..."_

_L swallowed thickly._

_"I'm not your Baby."_

_Light growled, bucking his hips._

_For about a year, his mask never broke. He only made sounds when the pain was burning and he knew he had to do **something**. A part of him hoped that Light would get bored, but he didn't. If anything, Kira improved at torture, learning how to bring on a confusing mixture of pain and pleasure. Whips got involved. Literally burnings. Knife play._

_Light seemed to be able to improve at any skill he put his mind to._

_At some point, L simply couldn't hold it together anymore and he yelled, trying to step away._

_"Please," he cried, sliding to his knees. "Please... stop..."_

_"So you can emote!" Light laughed triumphantly, "it suits your pretty face."_

_"Fuck off," L growled. He stumbled, blood trickling down his thighs. He shuddered, "please... please just stop..."_

_"Then choose me," Light breathed._

_"No!" L screamed._

_Light grabbed him, shoving him against the wall while L hissed and sobbed, trying to escape, the chains biting into his skin. This was Hell. L had no doubt about it. He had died in headquarters and he was in Hell. He snarled ugly things at Light, told the man how much he despised him, all of his emotions pouring out. His nails clawed at Light, desperate to draw blood. Light simply laughed, relishing in his anguish._

_And then came the movies. Matsuda's face pressed to the mattress. Light's hips undulated and snapped, his head tipped back in pleasure. The moans from the tape were unseemly, burrowing into L's brain._

_Light watched the movie with L, shrugging._

_"He's not very bright, but he is a good fuck."_

_L tried covering his eyes and ears, shaking his head. He whimpered, praying to be taken away from this Hell. To have the strength to kill Light and sweep Matsuda away from here._

_"I'll kill you!" He yelled, unable to escape the movies. So many nights between those two, doing things L had dreamed of doing with Matsuda for so long. L hung his head, sniffing. "... I'll kill you..."_

_Why was Light touching him so gently? He stroked L's hair, his fingers trailing down L's back. He'd long since lost count of the days. L hugged Light's leg, nuzzling the knee._ **_I- I have to please my Master. Maybe he'll keep being kind to me._**

_L started returning the kisses. He began meeting Light's thrusts and would shriek in pleasure, raking his nails along the stone._

_"Oh **God**!" Tears streamed down his cheek, " **Yes**! Oh God, yes, take me!"_

_"That's right," Light panted, "I am your god."_

_L moaned, reaching for Light. Wanting to touch and feel him. He kissed Light's neck, his kisses sloppy and desperate for the only other human who spoke to him._

_Disconnected._

_L felt disconnected and disjointed._

_Whenever he was bad, he didn't get water or food. He couldn't be bad! He didn't want to upset Master!_

_"You know I love you, right?" Light breathed._

_"...Yes Kira-sama..."_

_L nuzzled Light's throat._

_"Choose me," Light whispered._

_How long had he been whispering that? L opened his mouth and realized he couldn't say no. But he also couldn't say yes. Instead, he pulled Light into a deep, passionate kiss, groaning lewdly and pulling himself into Light's lap. It all felt so wrong, but he couldn't make himself stop. L was ravenous, needing to hear praise._

_"You'd do anything for me, wouldn't you?" Light murmured._

_Was it the same day? No- no... was it? Time moved differently. L nodded rapidly into Light's shoulder._

_"Anything, Kira-sama."_

_"Choose me."_

_L shuddered, his mouth falling open in agony. Every part of him wanted to say yes. To fuck Kira in a king-sized bed while being waited on. He was supposed to be the favorite pet! But... Matsuda... L exhaled shakily. Matsuda wouldn't survive. If the whips didn't break him, the branding would. He couldn't imagine watching fire crackle that skin. L's lip quivered, but he shook his head._

_"No," he croaked, "... I can't... please, please I'm begging you, don't make me. Don't make me hurt him... please..."_

_Light's eyes hardened._

_L screamed until his voice gave out._

_He wasn't given food or water._

_He curled in on himself, unable to cry. If he searched back in his memory, he could almost remember Watari. The kindly old man taking care of him as a child. L's lips twitched longingly. Another face. All he wanted was to hear someone other than Light's voice. **Is that what we really want? We could listen to Kami forever.** The voice had a point... L slumped against the wall, wishing he was dead._

_"Ryuzaki?!"_

_... Matsuda...?_

* * *

For the first time in his life, Matsuda wanted to hear Misa's shrill voice, telling Light that she wanted company. He knew the only reason Light entertained her demands was because she was the Second Kira. He may have had a castle full of devoting followers, but they had a god-like opinion of Light. Would any of them change their minds if they realized Light was just a human with the deadliest tool in history?

Matsuda would like to think so.

Maybe that made him naive.

But considering he never saw Misa or the death note on the castle grounds, he had to assume Light had the same fear.

That felt pretty fucking good. He counted the minutes until Light uttered those sweet words... that he wouldn't be spending the night. Around midnight, Matsuda picked out L's extra food. He moved into a storage closet, a small smile on his lips as he pried out one of the large, heavy bricks from the wall.

There was enough of a space for a pack of cigarettes, two very small bottles of vodka and an mp3. Technically, Light had given him an mp3, all with approved songs. These were the most... unapproved. He held the small mp3 against his palm, replaced the brick, and briskly stepped for the north tower. The sleeping guard had a new position, his mouth so wide open that Matsuda could imagine flies landing inside. He bounded down the stairs, carefully opening the door.

L was sleeping, his body in a ball. He moaned, blinking and slowly opening his eyes. A smile crossed his face as he sat up eagerly.

"H-hey!"

Matsuda opened the cell door and gave L the food.

The man wolfed it down, his features screwing in pleasure.

L leaned back against the wall, smiling softly and watching Matsuda.

"... Thank you..."

A sluggish part of his brain wanted to warn and remind Matsuda about the possibility of cameras, but here with the other, he was just so content. There was no way Kira could be anywhere near such a happy moment... and besides. Matsuda had visited before already. Surely Light would've done something by now if he could see, right? L curled up against the other, resting his cheek on Matsuda's shoulder. Human contact... a voice beside Light's... the man who he'd always secretly wanted... L held on to it like a lifeline.

Matsuda blinked, surprised by how quickly L curled up against him. He swallowed thickly, feeling the other's heartbeat and breathing. They sat in silence, no sounds from the outside. Matsuda tilted his head, motioning to his closed palm.

"Music?" He whispered.

L couldn't even remember the last time he'd heard music. His jaw fell open and he nodded slowly.

Matsuda carefully adjusted on earbud into L's ear and the other into his own, grinning.

"Warning, the beginning is loud."

He didn't tell L the complete truth. That he'd had to suck a few cocks to get the mp3, but by then, he held all the power. Either the delivery man could give Matsuda what he wanted, or Matsuda could tell Light that he'd been accosted. God save whoever touched Kira's consort. He pressed start and L instantly jumped from the loud beginning, but quickly melted into the song, bopping his head along.

" _You are a brick tied to me that's dragging me down. Strike a match and I'll burn you to the ground. We are the jack-o-lanterns in July, setting fire to the sky. Here, here comes this rising tide so come on._ "

Matsuda mouthed along "put on your war paint."

He got up, wanting to bop with the music. L watched him, grey eyes wide and longing, his thumb hanging from his lips. Matsuda didn't need to ask to know what was bothering the man. L's shoulders twitched with his own dance, his muscles too soft and weak to properly stand. Matsuda paused, meeting L's eyes.

"I won't do anything you're not comfortable with... but if I could pick you up... you could dance."

L's eyes snapped in Matsuda's direction. They stayed fixed to Matsuda's features, owlish and analyzing before he nodded slowly. Pausing the song, Matsuda clumsily wrapped his arms around L's torso. As he did, L carefully straddled him, his legs resting on Matsuda's hips as the consort supported him.

From this angle, L was looking down at Matsuda's face, the ghost of a smile gracing those thin lips.

As nice as it was, Matsuda couldn't help his heart cracking. Even with all the extra food he'd brought L, he couldn't possibly see the man weighing over ninety pounds. Matsuda considered himself a strong man, able to hold up to a hundred and fifty pounds. This was nothing. He tried to smile up at L though, tilting his head.

"Continue?" He whispered.

L nodded, hooking his arms around Matsuda's neck.

He hit play and the music filled their ears again. L's lips curved and his head moved back and forth with the music. Matsuda chuckled, spinning them around and doing a misshapen dance. He stayed mindful of his feet with the singular goal of not dropping the other. L's smile was dazzling, sealing Matsuda's breath. He was so aware of the other's body pressed agains him, lithe and lean. They locked eyes, the song filling their heads and making them hum softly. It was funny how, in an instant really, the dim light hanging on the wall outside the cell was suddenly romantic. I cast shadows over L's features, made his pale skin glow a warm golden.

Matsuda wasn't sure who initiated it.

All he knew was that his lips were touching L's, and L was making a quiet sound in the back of his throat, making the prisoner's entire body vibrate. Matsuda's knees buckled and he stopped turning them. After being with Light for so long, L's lips felt strange and foreign, yet alluring. The prisoner's lips were chapped, but Matsuda didn't mind. He liked the rough, jagged edges of skin brushing against his own lips.

L's grip around Matsuda tightened. Something warmed in his chest, deep and pulsing. He experimentally opened his mouth, inviting Matsuda's tongue. A breathless gasp escaped him, Matsuda's taste so different than Light's that it astounded him. Matsuda's mouth was sweet with faint hints of coffee. Their tongues rolled in each others' mouth, exploring their cheeks and over teeth. L found his fingers sliding through Matsuda's strands, his heart pounding loudly against his eardrums. He only pulled back for air, breathing heavily.

They scanned each others' eyes, neither knowing what to say. L swallowed thickly, shaky fingers touching at his lips.

"... I lost everything to Light," he breathed so softly that Matsuda almost missed it, "... my first kiss, my virginity... he took it all..."

L avoided Matsuda's eyes, shrinking into the man's body. He felt disgusting. Even now, as happy as he was with Matsuda, a part of his brain nagged him that he couldn't be doing this. That he belonged to Light. Matsuda gently touched L's chin, making the other blink those large grey eyes.

Matsuda smiled gently, his eyes so tender that they left L gaping.

"This is the first time that your partner has genuinely cared about you."

L's throat bobbed. He hesitantly swayed forward, their lips making contact again. Both were too scared to move, as if the second they did, they'd find out is was all a dream. L kissed up Matsuda's jawline, nuzzling the side of the man's face. He paused, his nose still touching skin. He whispered.

"Touta... you can't keep coming down here. It's dangerous. I don't know how surveillance here works, but eventually... Light will know."

Matsuda sighed, knowing on some level that L was right. This was all so risky. The likelihood was that Light would kill him for this. A shiver raced up his spine, making his stomach turn. If they wanted any chance of escape, they'd have to start making cunning plans. Plans Light wouldn't be able to detect being made. Right now, they were acting as if it was the end of the world, as if there was no potential future and damn the consequences. Their attitude had to be that they had a future.

Survival had to start being the goal.

Matsuda blinked, an idea forming in his brain. His lips hovered over L's ear, too quiet for even wiretaps to pick up. L's eyes widened a fraction. It was a good idea... perhaps he was just out of practice, but he was impressed. A part of him wanted to say no, to just enjoy the time he had with Matsuda before Light inevitably killed them, but looking at the determination in Matsuda's eyes... it inspired him...

Matsuda wasn't tech-savy enough to somehow disable the cameras or produce a false image... Hell, he had to find the cameras. But he wasn't just going to leave L. It didn't matter how dangerous it was, he'd keep visiting. He made a pact with himself that he'd learn. That he'd teach himself and build himself up to be a formidable enemy. He'd become of a master of cameras if he had to.

Touching L's chin, he kissed the other again slowly.

L returned it, their tongues twisting around each other. Suddenly, he pulled back, gasping and whimpering, shaking his head.

"I can't do this-" He was shaking, tears welled in his eyes, "I-I belong to Kira-sama.. _. you_ belong to him!"

L struggled in Matsuda's grip until he was forced to let go. The prisoner backed up into the wall, his knees buckling. It took all Matsuda had not to smile. L was still an impeccable actor, even after everything. Him? Well... he played a tree in the middle school play.

That counted, right?

Matsuda swept out an arm.

"But-"

"This is wrong!" L's voice cracked convincingly, "stop confusing me! _Please_!"

He slid to the floor, burying his face into his hands. Matsuda swallowed thickly, bending in front of him.

"You don't want me around anymore?"

"Not like this," L sobbed, shaking his head, "I just... I just want someone else to talk to..."

It wasn't false. L needed another human voice more than he could possibly imagine. Matsuda nodded, taking a careful step towards the door.

"I'm sorry... I... I didn't mean to make you upset... I'll visit again tomorrow, okay? I- I want to make it up to you."

L hid his face into his knees, rolling his shoulders. If Light was going to kill them on the simple basis of Matsuda visiting, then they'd have been dead already. _Unless this is a new game_. He shuddered, not wanting to think about it, hating that he didn't know the rules. Unknown rules made the game impossible to play. Matsuda paused at the door and glanced back. A part of him wondered how much of the despair L was showing was genuine or acting.

He told himself it didn't matter.

Matsuda had a lot of work to do.

* * *

If Light knew about the visits, he didn't say anything. Matsuda found that all the more suspicious, but of course he wasn't about to bring it up. Which almost made it more disconcerting. Every time they had sex, Matsuda waited for the other shoe to drop, but it never came.

The first thing he wanted to know was how to transmit a false image. He could worry about finding the damn cameras after he had that. Unfortunately, there weren't any books titled 'How to trick the security cameras' in the library. That would've been helpful. They were all story books. The closest thing to a manual he had was a fucking science fiction novel.

He sighed heavily, knowing what he had to do. Light would think he was too stupid to figure out the cameras. Without any resources, Matsuda would say Light was right. But he had a few tricks up his sleeve himself...

Akio guarded one of the lesser meeting rooms, his eyes trapped in boredom.

Matsuda sauntered up to him, leaning against one of the walls and staring at the floor.

"Thanks for the vodka," he breathed.

Akio grunted.

"... I have a new delivery order."

Silence. The man was listening. Matsuda swallowed thickly, his voice a hissing whisper.

"I need you to get me either a manual of the security cameras or actually get me one of the same model."

Akio's eyes popped, and for a second, it looked like he'd burst a blood vessel.

"Are you insane?" He growled, "you're a good cock-sucker, but I'm not getting you a goddamn-"

"I'll fuck you." Matsuda said instantly, "cock-sucking on the side free."

That made the man falter. Akio subtly scanned Matsuda's body, his pupils dilated. Matsuda smiled sweetly, for once glad for the revealing clothing. The thought of fucking Akio made him recoil in revulsion. The man was large and always smelled. But he needed to get his hands on information. Akio sighed.

"Kira-sama is supposed to leave for a business trip. Meet me in the field. Midnight."

Matsuda's throat bobbed, regretting that he wouldn't be able to spend the night with L. But this was good. A business trip usually meant Light was gone for a week, maybe, hopefully, two. Matsuda agreed and kept walking, his head hanging. For four years, he'd heard people call him a whore under their breaths. He wanted to laugh... supposing it was true now...

Dirt scraped under his nails. Matsuda arched his back, his moan practiced and perfectly lewd. Akio grunted, their bodies pressed close together. Matsuda gaped, whining and whimpering needily when the man came, filling him.

He instantly pulled away, already straightening himself again. Akio panted, laying down on the grass and whistling. Matsuda's brow quirked. The guards lived in specific quarters. He wondered how long some of them had gone without sex. Matsuda almost laughed. So there was something more powerful than their worship of Kira...

"Damn." Akio growled. He looked at Matsuda, eyes still dripping lustfully. "Keep that up and I'll give you whatever the fuck you want."

"Either that or I tell Kira." Matsuda smiled pleasantly. "I'm glad we've come to an understanding. Get me both a manual and the model."

Akio nodded in a daze.

Matsuda sat cross-legged in the storage closet, holding up a flashlight. The manual was a bit outdated, some of the buttons and wires changed. But it would suffice. He turned the non-functioning camera over in his hand, biting at his lip.

Light constantly underestimated him.

Matsuda grinned.

That'd be Kira's undoing.


	4. Hidden Conversation

Matsuda was going cross-eyed. He wanted to tear his hair out.

It should not be this difficult!

Two weeks had passed. He'd read and reread the manual a million times, tinkered (and nearly destroyed) the model, and he still couldn't figure out the machine's insides.

He had a rudimentary idea of how to loop a video to make it look like either L was sleeping or Matsuda was sitting innocently in the cage with him, totally not scheming or... kissing. Matsuda's cheeks burned a hot red and he almost snapped the wire from the memory. Blinking, he forced himself to focus. Once he found and controlled the cameras, he and L could openly talk about escaping... He still had to find the cameras though. And look around the cell for them without it being obvious that he was looking for the damn cameras.

Matsuda groaned, wanting to thunk his head against the wall. He shook it off and tried to get back to understanding each component. Unfortunately, the model wasn't operational so Hell if he knew if what he was doing was correct.

He needed to get into the security room and see from the camera's side where it was.

Matsuda grumbled to himself, hiding it and the manual along with his other treasures and sealing it off. Sauntering down the corridor, he hissed out a breath. He'd watched the guards patrol. Them come and go. Itsuki was currently on shift in the camera room. Matsuda stood outside and glanced in, easily putting on a friendly face. It'd taken him years to recognize it, but he had a more friendly face than even Light. With his puppy-dog doe eyes, Matsuda hadn't met a person who didn't almost immediately trust him. Itsuki looked up and his face brightened.

"Matsuda-sama! Do you need assistance with anything?"

He shook his head, coming in fully and sitting in the chair next to the man.

"No, I just felt like saying hi. I'm so lonely without Kira-sama," Matsuda sighed longingly.

Itsuki nodded in understanding, his face solemn.

"It must be difficult constantly wanting him, but," Itsuki shrugged helplessly, "gods are quite busy. I'm honored that our god's consort has chosen me for company." Itsuki bowed adoringly.

Matsuda nodded with a tight smile. From the corner of his eye, he scanned over the screens. The castle was large... Matsuda tilted his head curiously.

"How many cameras are there?"

For the first time, Itsuki hesitated, obviously nervous about sharing any information. Matsuda blinked, making his eyes mist.

"...Oh... I'm sorry. I'm just so sad and lonely, I thought- I thought I could find a friend."

He sniffled. Itsuki's eyes popped in alarm. It came down to two things, both of them bad for him- either entertain Kira's consort, or upset him. Neither boded well for him, but Itsuki chose entertainment. And besides. Itsuki worshipped Kira. He couldn't imagine how much Kira's consort adored the god. He smiled reassuringly, waving a hand and clicking through several camera screens.

"There are 72 cameras. It's impressive, no?"

"It is," Matsuda smiled, watching him flip through the screens.

Some of the cameras he knew the placement of. Over the past years, he'd memorized the location of 67 of the cameras. Matsuda perked up slightly when Itsuki flashed through L's cell, but of course it didn't stay on the screen for long. Okay... the camera had to be embedded in the wall, facing L's cell. It seemed to be at eye-level with the lock. Matsuda made a mental note. He glanced around the security office, his eyes narrowed. If there were wiretaps, he didn't see any evidence of them.

"So anyway, Kami checks the footage every morning," Itsuki beamed.

Matsuda froze.

He slowly looked at the other, forcing a smile.

"Ah. He is diligent."

Itsuki nodded brightly.

Matsuda bit his lip so hard that he tasted blood. So Light had seen the kiss... he knew about him and L. _It really is some new game_. Matsuda's nostrils flared. No matter. If Light's play was to sit back and see what would happen, then Matsuda's play would be offensive. He could still trick the cameras with different footage loops and make it seem as though L was sleeping, his visits were innocent, or they were forbidden lovers meeting. Meanwhile, he and L could plan their escape together. All right in front of the camera.

This changed nothing.

He stayed with Itsuki a while longer, nodding and listening intently. But the man didn't have any more useful information.

That night, Matsuda put his plan into motion.

He went down the stairs, but stopped at the door, just outside the camera's view.

L started to look up, but stopped, sensing Matsuda was doing something important. Keeping himself out of the camera's line of sight, Matsuda's eye scanned the brick wall until he saw a little lens hidden. He worked quickly, fiddling with he wires until he took a step back.

"Okay... if my studying has paid off, the image will loop the last hour. Now we can openly talk about an escape plan!"

L straightened, impressed.

Grinning, Matsuda opened the cell and stepped inside, handing L a piece of bread.

"Someone was coming. It was all I could snatch."

"It's fine," L whispered, quickly taking it, "I haven't eaten for two days."

"At all?" Matsuda bit his lip, the familiar hot anger towards Light bubbling in his stomach.

L shook his head, shrugging.

"It's quite alright, I'm used to it. It's a punishment. I was getting tired during sex and I... I fell asleep."

Matsuda shifted, but didn't say anything. Instead, he forced himself to focus on the task at hand, taking out a folded piece of paper from his pocket. L scooted closer, scanning the paper in interest. Grinning, Matsuda took out a pen, drawing a box and labeling it 'castle'.

"Okay. Besides one road to come and go, the entire compound is surrounded by forest. If you look out from the highest point in the castle, you can see Tokyo in the distance... based on how far away it is, I'd put it at a 2-3 hour drive."

L nodded slowly, his thumb going to his lips. He nibbled on the skin, barely registering pain. He tilted his head.

"... It'd be better for you to run in the opposite direction."

Matsuda's eyes snapped in the man's direction. It was the first productive suggestion L had given, but...

"Opposite? Why?"

"Because everyone would expect you to run to Tokyo..." L's teeth dragged slightly along his thumb, the small sting a welcome difference from the usual sluggish dredge. "Ideally, you'd be able to get out of Japan... where's Mt Fuji?"

Matsuda blinked.

"To the right. Tokyo's more to the left."

He scratched it out onto the paper as he saw it from the highest tower. L considered, resting his chin onto his knees.

"So we're two to three hours more inland... you might want to try getting to the Sea of Japan. Somehow get yourself on a boat and just... go."

"Say 'we'," Matsuda interjected.

L blinked, looking up at him.

"W-what?"

"Say 'we'... because it'll be the two of us escaping."

The other's large grey eyes felt like spotlights. L huffed a soft laugh, shaking his head.

"T-this is all speculation, Touta. It's all useless as long as Kira can kill us whenever he wants. Besides, if by some miracle you had the opportunity to escape... look at me. I physically wouldn't be able to make any kind of journey."

Matsuda swallowed thickly, not wanting to admit it. L could barely walk around his cell as it was. How could Matsuda get him to the sea? Matsuda slid a hand through his hair, trying to think. There was still the issue of the collar... and Misa... and the death note... oh Geez... he groaned, hanging his head, all of the problems swirling above him like a dark cloud. He could feel them press heavily against his shoulders, threatening to crush him.

He just wanted to save L.

L blinked hearing the groan. He tilted his head, wiggling his toes. _Matsuda's frustrated_. Something in his brain snapped into place and took over. L gently touched Matsuda's shoulder. The other glanced at him in surprise.

Before Matsuda could even register what was happening, L leaned forward, softly kissing the side of his neck. Matsuda inhaled sharply, completely caught off-guard. His limbs locked on him to the point where all he could do was watch and _feel_. L's lips were warm and feathery, their touch sending heat just under Matsuda's skin. Small electric shocks raced along his spine, and yet he still couldn't move.

"You've had such a busy day," L purred, pulling himself onto Matsuda's lap, "you deserve to unwind... let me help."

Matsuda gaped, his heart jumping wildly. He could feel L pressed against him. Blood pounded through Matsuda's systems, deafening him. He- what was happening? He stiffened when L leaned forward again, nuzzling the side of his face. His body wanted to respond. Matsuda's hips wanted to grind and just for a moment, an image flashed through his mind of him and L naked, in a tight embrace... the thought made his pants tighten. He faltered though, trying to shake his head and come back to reality. It was difficult though, with L's fingers trailing fire along his jawline, making him itch just underneath his skin.

"L," he breathed, craning his neck, "... What are you doing?"

L blinked, seeming confused by Matsuda pulling back.

"Helping. You... you're frustrated, aren't you?"

"Well... yes, but..."

L stared like a hawk, trying to figure out what he'd done wrong. It always helped Light relax... leaving small kisses along Light's face and receiving breathy moans was when Light was at his kindest. Why... what was he doing wrong?

Matsuda swallowed thickly, still all too aware of L's member pressed against his stomach, the heat from the other's body seeping into his own.

"L. S-stop. I'm not going to take advantage of you."

There was that confusion again. L swayed, looking genuinely torn.

"But... m-making love always helps Light feel better. You don't want me?"

... _Making love.._.? Matsuda gaped, his heart twisting uncomfortably. He found a hand gently reaching out, cupping L's cheek. L didn't move, still as a statue. Their eyes were locked. Matsuda bit his lip. L... really wasn't the same. Of course he knew. He'd seen the evidence and heard the man, but... a part of him had ignored it. He'd told himself that if he did all the research, figured out all the cameras and presented L with maps and information, the man would almost magically formulate a plan. That's how he'd always done it before.

But that wouldn't happen.

Matsuda's eyes misted. His lips twitched. It didn't even matter to his heart... he still found L as handsome and intelligent as the day they'd first met. Nothing Kira could do would change that.

"I do," Matsuda whispered, "I want you so much, L. But I won't take advantage of you. I don't want our first time to be like this... okay?"

L blinked, his brow furrowed slightly.

"Um... okay. Yeah, sure."

He awkwardly dislodged himself. L sat next to Matsuda, pulling his knees up to his chin. His eyes darted, avoiding Matsuda's.

"I'm um... I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable," L murmured. _I just wanted to help... and I was never good at helping. Not even... before_.

"You didn't," Matsuda assured.

L looked at him. Those eyes were always so large and encompassing. Something warm sparked behind that gaze, and even though L couldn't explain it, his insides felt... content. Grateful. _Intriguing_.

Still blushing, Matsuda took out another paper, trying to return to the plan.

"Alright, so say we get to the Sea of Japan-"

L only half listened. He simply observed Matsuda, the dark highlights in his hair ranging from chocolatey brown to a raven ebony. He had the greatest urge to reach out and touch it. To relish in hair so different from Light's, to inhale his scent. After a few moments, Matsuda looked up.

"Well?"

He faltered, his neck burning. 

"Hm?"

"The biggest threat is the death note. After that, we can figure everything else out!"

L sighed, picking at his knee. It'd been so long since he'd practiced his scheming skills. And even then, doing this felt... wrong, somehow. He was going against Light. And going against Light meant he'd be punished. But he looked at Matsuda's face. Reminded himself again and again that Matsuda had to escape. He didn't belong in a place like this. It didn't matter what happened to L. Matsuda had to go.

"If Light is keeping the death notes away and you can't get to them, then the only way to get them is by having him bring the death notes here."

Matsuda perked up, nodding thoughtfully. Get Light to bring them...

"Make him expose himself," Matsuda mused, "like how you did with the Lind L Tailor broadcast!"

Lind L Tailor... so long ago. But- yes. L closed his eyes, trying to picture that time. How his mind had operated. It was like thinking back to a stranger.

"Yes... if you can't screw him over, make him screw himself."

His lips twitched in slight remembrance. Yes. That'd always been his strategy.

Matsuda nodded determinedly. Make Light screw himself over. A challenge, but... he knew he could do it.

The two of them continued talking. Not necessarily about Kira, but just in general. Matsuda grinned.

"Okay, what your favorite movie of all time?"

L's cheeks went a bright scarlet. He mumbled embarrassedly, trying to hide his sheepish smile.

"It's stupid."

"I won't judge!"

L peeked at him.

"I'm obsessed with Clueless."

Matsuda did a double-take.

"That rom-com from the 90s?"

L's head bobbed. Matsuda's entire face lit up, his smile beaming and blinding.

"That's not embarrassing! Clueless is a fucking rocking movie!"

L giggled. He tilted his head fondly.

"Yeah?... I'm glad. What about you?"

"Hm. Probably Star Wars," Matsuda smirked.

"Ooh Star Wars is a good one," L conceded with a soft laugh.

They continued talking until Matsuda had to fix the camera and leave. He lingered in the doorway, looking back at L. What he wouldn't give to whisk the man out of his cell. L met the gaze, something soft and tender behind those grey eyes. Swallowing, Matsuda left, L's words mulling in his brain. Make him expose himself... make him bring the death note rather than figure out how to go get it... all this planning was easier said than done. Matsuda wasn't a genius, he couldn't just come up with supernaturally brilliant plans on the fly.

* * *

A few days passed and Matsuda got sick of Light's presence again. Kira seemed to be everywhere, taking meetings, being worshipped and tended to by the castle staff. It was sickening. Whatever twisted game Light was playing, he was still playing it. Acting oblivious and unknowing. It left Matsuda genuinely curious, but he had to constantly remind himself that Light loved games. Loved playing with minds and lives.

Matsuda moved through the hallway. Light was staying the night. That meant that if he wanted to shower in fucking peace, he had to do it earlier. He passed the dining room and froze when a familiar voice called out.

"Touta!"

Dinner. Of course Light was having dinner. Smiling sweetly, Matsuda wandered in, glancing at the plate of expensive and elegant food. Food some would never see in their lives. Light grinned, motioning for Matsuda to sit next to him.

"Tell me. Have you eaten yet?"

"No," Matsuda admitted.

If he lied and said yes, Light would say he'd have the energy for sex and would probably take him right here on the table. Hm, Light might still fuck him on the table, but at least he'd get some food in his system.

As he ate, Matsuda could feel Light's intense amber eyes trained on him, cold and analyzing. Swallowing thickly, Matsuda grinned, looking around Light's face. He licked at his fork suggestively, each of Matsuda's movements coy and enticing. It had the desired effect. Light's pupils dilated. He rested his chin in the cup of his hand, watching Matsuda with a hungry expression. Kira continued swirling his own fork through his food, the utensil making light _clinking_ sounds. But it stayed otherwise untouched as he shamelessly scanned Matsuda.

He sighed, shaking his head.

"I'm bored," he pouted.

The fork hung from Matsuda's lips. He smirked.

"Would you like me to _entertain_ you?"

"Mm." Light licked at his lips, eyes continuing to rake over Matsuda. "You will. Tell me a story."

"Story?" Matsuda didn't need to fake the confusion in his voice.

"Yeah... let's see... Tomorrow is Soichiro Yagami's birthday. He would've been turning 53. Tell me about the day you met him."

"The day I..." Matsuda trailed off, his eyes misting.

No, no... he wasn't supposed to get emotional in front of Light! He tried walling it back in, his throat bobbing.

"I-"

The world spun. He looked at Light and stiffened, a chill racing up his spine. The hairs on the back of Matsuda's neck stood at full attention.

 _Your mask isn't as perfect as you think it is. I can break you so easily,_ Light's expression purred, _I can play with your emotions, don't think you can play with mine_. Matsuda's mouth was dry.

"Well... I had just graduated from the academy. It was my first day on the NPA, and I was... nervous. I'd worked so hard to get in, and I had still been at the bottom of my class... barely passing. No precinct really wanted me, but... Soichiro did. He was the chief of the _NPA_ , based in Tokyo and dealing with national interests. Your father took me under his wing." _Soichiro saw something in me that I didn't. Something that made him take me to Interpol meetings and answer all of my stupid insignificant questions_. Matsuda couldn't help adding, "... your father was a great man. It's a shame he was taken so soon."

Light's brow quirked. Neither said anything. Matsuda's limbs felt frozen. If they were moving, they'd be shaking.

"He was a great man," Light conceded with a small smile, "A fool, though."

Matsuda's eyes snapped in Light's direction. He could barely contain his anger. He couldn't do this... these games of masks and deception that L and Light had once played. As much as Matsuda didn't want to admit it, he was a creature who wore his heart on his sleeve.

"A fool?!"

He sank his teeth into his tongue, tasting blood. Light blinked.

"Of course. People like him don't understand Kira or what we're trying to accomplish. Why, what do you think?"

Matsuda straightened, ready to tell Light to go do some very colorful things to himself. Soichiro was anything but a fool. But Matsuda dipped his head.

"I- You are God. Your word is law and therefore Soichiro was a fool." The words tasted bitter.

"Hm... did you consider him a father-figure to yourself?"

"No."

Yes. Apparently, Matsuda saw Soichiro as more of a father than Light ever had. Matsuda chanced another glance at Light and inhaled. The expression now read, _You're a terrible liar. You can never trick me... I'm **allowing** you to see L_. Matsuda squared his jaw. Light might know about him seeing L, but he didn't know that Matsuda hacked the cameras. That they were planning their escape right under his nose. He couldn't know, could he? Matsuda grabbed at a glass of wine, tipping the glass back to his lips. Light watched, his eyes boring a hole into Matsuda's neck. He tried ignoring the feeling, but it was there.

This delicate balance really was just a game... Matsuda stared at the wine, smiling at Light.

"Does that mean you're going to visit your mother and sister?" _Fine. You know. Will you **allow** me to see L_?

"Oh, yes. I'll be thinking about you, Sweetie." _Sure, you can see him. But I'll be watching_.

"Mm, that's nice. What do you plan on doing?" _What's your angle_?

Light smiled serenely.

"Nothing much." _Of course I won't tell you_. "...You?" _Do you have some contingency plan?_

Matsuda shrugged.

"What I always do." _If you won't tell me, then I'm sure as shit not telling you_.

Light stared. Before Matsuda could say anything else, Light stood. He prowled around Matsuda, his eyes full of lust. A shiver passed through Matsuda's stomach, and he could help feeling sick. He remained motionless, having to stop himself from flinching when Light gently caressed his cheek. His nostrils flared but he took the wine, smiling at Light and offering some. Grinning, Light placed his lips at the rim while Matsuda tipped the glass back. Light licked at the rim, biting at his lip.

"Tell me, Touta. Of everyone in the task force, you were the most open towards Kira. Why is that?"

Well, Matsuda was definitely regretting that now. As he considered, Light motioned for him to sit on the table and spread his legs. Matsuda wrapped his arms around Light's neck, humming thoughtfully.

"I guess... I believed Kira wanted what was best and he was getting results. Wanting to make the world a safer is always a noble pursuit... I didn't want to condemn what I didn't understand."

_But I understand you now. And you sicken me._

Light nodded, seemingly pleased with the answer. Hooking his arms around Light's neck, Matsuda pulled him into a kiss. Anything to make Kira stop talking. His hips bucked feeling Light roughly grasp his thigh and grind against him. Throwing his head back, Matsuda released a soft moan. The hairs on his body stood when Light kissed his throat, teeth lightly grazing the skin, almost as if Light was preparing to tear out his windpipe. Matsuda pressed their bodies together, whimpering when he felt Light's fingers slip under his clothing, fondling with his balls and gripping him. Matsuda's eyes misted and to hide it, he pressed Light's face deeper into his neck.

* * *

Matsuda stood in the shower, staring at the floor. The water soaked his hair, made it stick to the back of his neck. He felt dirtier than usual. Light was right. At the beginning, Matsuda hadn't felt animosity towards Kira. He'd even say... a part of him supported Kira. His knees buckled and he slid to the floor, tears rolling down his cheeks. How was it that Light could be so terrifying without even doing anything? Matsuda's lip quivered, just letting the water hit his face.

Hanging his head, he sobbed.


	5. Don't Scream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoo boy, this is a rough one. It was definitely a challenge to write.

Four months passed and it felt like Matsuda couldn't get an opening. _Make Light bring the death note here_. How did one trick a genius into doing something while having them believe it was their own idea? He'd cycled through so many plans- make Light feel unsafe at the palace, make him mistrustful of Misa, have him believe the death note would be more secure here. But it all ended in holes and too much risk vs reward.

Matsuda kept visiting L. It went against his better judgement, but he couldn't stop. L's large stormy grey eyes and monotone yet somehow melodic voice made his nights. And the feeling was reciprocated. Even through the worry and anguish, L found himself _smiling_. Genuine smiles that lit up his features and almost made him believe that life was worth fighting for. They'd talk and laugh. Slowly, but surely, they were kissing, their lips moving in sync. Their tongues danced, the wrongness and danger of the actions enticing and adrenaline-producing. The tower was quiet except for their soft sounds, L purring and nuzzling into Matsuda's collarbone.

For L, there was a warmth behind Matsuda's lips that left him breathless. Safe... that was the word. He felt safe with Matsuda, his muscles instantly relaxed. It was the only time in his life that he had no issues falling asleep, drifting through oblivion and attempting to avoid nightmares. The kisses were so different than with Light's. Matsuda never initiated it, never went further than what L was comfortable with. L wasn't used to 'taking things slow', but the other was a buffer.

Matsuda was strategic with when he tinkered with the cameras, being careful that Light didn't figure out he had this secret power. As a result, his and L's conversations were careful. When the camera showed the cell in real-time, they talked about pointless things, played games of chess and listened to music. Those rarer nights when Matsuda tampered with the image were the best of their lives. They felt some semblance of privacy, an iota of having their lives to themselves. Even so. He'd never been more careful in his life, yet Matsuda felt like such a pawn.

The world melted into autumn, filling him with excitement. Before becoming a consort, his favorite season had been summer. Going out to the beach in trunks and soaking in the heat through his body always made him content. Nowadays though... warm weather meant walking around the castle in skimpy clothing, silk which was essentially see-through and had left his stomach exposed. Summers meant eyes boring into him, hungry and lustful, things he had to take in stride. Now that the weather grew colder, he was allowed a black coat and warm pants over his usual outfit. He buried himself deeper, the fuzz gently tickling his cheeks.

Matsuda closed his eyes, leaning back on the chair in the garden, surrounded by colorful leaves.

He blinked, picking up a particularly beautiful one. It was a large leaf with every color imaginable. He identified fiery red with flaming orange veins, spots of green interspersed with gold and a light purple underside. Grinning, he moved for the library, pressing it into a book and making a mental note to grab it later. That night, he snuck down and paused, his lips twitching. L looked... better.

The prisoner was sitting up rather than slumping, his eyes closed in meditation. Matsuda stood there for a second, simply admiring the man. Although his skin still looked like paper, he didn't look like he was dying anymore. Almost as if he was a person rather than a wraith-like entity. L's eyes fluttered open and his expression warmed as he tilted his head in greeting. Matsuda felt good tonight... he tampered with the camera and sighed in relief, Kira's presence warded off.

Matsuda beamed, entering the cell and holding out the leaf. L gaped, staring at it as if it had come from some alien planet.

"It's autumn?" L asked.

When Matsuda nodded, L hummed thoughtfully. He hesitantly reached his fingers out, faltering. L gave a nervous laugh, the finger hovering over the leaf.

"It's so beautiful... I'm scared I'll destroy it," he whispered.

Matsuda smiled reassuringly.

"You won't destroy it. You're a gentle person."

L bit at his lip. That wasn't always the case. Once upon a time, he'd even say he was a cruel person. In fact...

"That's not true." L said softly, "I was a monster... willing to do whatever it took to solve the case. And I'd been so cruel to you... said you were stupid and treated you like an idiot. I'm not a gentle person."

He sniffled, and the action surprised him. Usually L felt so detached from his past, like he was a stranger seeing another's memories. But at that moment... he felt so overwhelmed. He swayed, the world a blur as the Kira case flashed through his mind. Matsuda's eagerness to help and how he'd genuinely wanted to do the right thing. And because L was scared of his own feelings, he'd shut the man down and discouraged him.

L started when Matsuda gently touched the back of his hand. The touch grounded him, rooted him into the present, in this grey, drab cell.

"L-"

"I'm sorry." L swallowed thickly. "No matter what happens, I need you to know that I'm sorry."

Matsuda gaped, his stomach fluttering. The words were... nice to hear... during the Kira case, he'd questioned himself so much, felt so stupid.

"I-I forgive you." His lips twitched, "my ideas weren't exactly the best."

L laughed, the corners of his eyes crinkling with a fondness. When he spoke again, his voice was rasped.

"Maybe not the best, but you _did_ get results... And you were still a valued member of the task force. You were a valued member... to me..."

Matsuda's eyes popped. L had had these feelings for him... since the Kira case? A part of him had thought this relationship was built only on loneliness and desperation. He watched the other man in awe. There was so much swirling in his brain, but he forced himself to stay quiet.

L carefully held the leaf in both hands, as if he were handling treasure. He stared down at the colors, his heart racing. L could hear his pulse echoing against his eardrums, getting lost in the leaf's intricate patterns.

"It's so beautiful," he repeated in a murmur.

Matsuda's lips twitched.

"Duly noted. I'll keep bringing leaves down."

L looked at him with wide eyes. He nodded rapidly, the eagerness bright on his face. Sighing, L leaned against the wall, looking at the ceiling longingly.

"You said you love to sit in the garden, right? It must be amazing this time of year."

"It is," Matsuda nodded, leaning back as well. Their shoulders brushed, but neither made an effort to move away. "So many warm colors mixing with cool. Hm, everything seems to smell like pine cone and spice."

L chuckled quietly, his thumb rising to his lips. He tried to picture everything Matsuda described, his other hand tracing along the leaf's veins.

"Autumn was always my favorite season of the year. There's always so much change and even festivity."

"Let me guess. Halloween's your favorite holiday," Matsuda snorted.

L's cheeks burned a bright red, giving a secretive smile.

"You could say that. I loved trick or treating and dressing up..." He trailed off, the memories threatening to surface.

Good memories were almost worse than the bad. They reminded him of what he'd lost, filled him with a sense of need that he couldn't fulfill. Watari always made the effort to make his birthdays special... Halloween really had been the greatest day of the years. L's chest _panged_ , his heart twisting in a way that it hadn't in years. He sighed wistfully, but found his fingers intertwining with Matsuda's, taking comfort in the warmth from the other's skin. He cuddled up to Matsuda contently, the ghost of a smile on his cracked lips.

"I think you would've liked trick or treating with me. It was always an event... I'd spend God knows how much on a costume, and I'd refuse to stop until I had two full pillow cases." He smiled wryly, "I could see you dressing up as a puppy."

"Once I was in a cat onesie," Matsuda offered with a laugh.

L giggled, looking up at him.

"Hm, that sounds like the purr-fect costume."

Matsuda snorted, his eyes shining at the pun.

"Ha! That was a great one! God, I love you."

They both froze. L's eyes were trapping, large black orbs that seemed to suck in everything. L tilted his head, his voice quiet.

"... You love me...?"

Matsuda stammered, not sure how to answer.

"I-I... would that bother you? If I said yes?"

"It wouldn't," L breathed, "in fact, I... I care about you, Touta. More than anyone. It's how I've held out for so long."

That made Matsuda's brow stitch in confusion.

"Held out?"

L's jaw clamped. He opened and closed his mouth, suddenly looking uncomfortable with the situation.

"It's um..." He took in a deep breath, his voice a murmur, "The reason why Light's keeping you alive. It's all for a game. I can agree to switch places with you... live in luxury as his favorite pet. But you'd be sent down here and tortured in the same way I've been."

Matsuda inhaled sharply. He- what was he thinking? He couldn't process. Hell, he wasn't even sure if he'd understood correctly.

"You're... you're suffering for _me_?" He asked slowly, the words bitter on his tongue.

When L nodded, Matsuda thought he'd vomit. He swayed, leaning forward and hanging his head between his knees. Anything to stop the spinning. He was less than a pawn... a chip in some twisted game. And L... oh God... the images rushed at Matsuda, all the evidence of rape and torture, the man's jeans bloody and his face swollen, evidence of burn, scratch and bite marks. The starvation would made the prisoner's ribs protrude and the dull expression in his eyes. _And if he gives in, that'll all be me_. His stomach gurgled threateningly.

"Light's a monster," his voice wavered.

Standing, Matsuda paced, the new information crashing down on him and drowning him. He couldn't breathe. Couldn't think. Why was the world spinning so badly?! He'd never hated another human being. But he _despised_ Light.

"He's a _monster_!"

Matsuda leaned against the wall, glaring at the stone and wanting to kick it. He breathed heavily, his face twisted in anger, pain and sadness. He growled at the stone, helpless on what else to do. Matsuda blinked, realizing L had gone quiet. He looked over and faltered. L was staring at him with wide, terrified, almost child-like eyes, trembling and holding his knees to his chest. _Fuck_. The anger instantly deflated. Matsuda sat down on the ground, holding his hands up where L could see them.

"I'm not angry with you... I won't hurt you, L."

L was _shaking_. Matsuda's lip quivered, hoping he could calm the other. He-he'd been so caught off-guard by the revelation, and...

"I'm not angry with you," Matsuda's voice cracked, "L... you're safe."

L closed his eyes, trying to center himself. Safe. Matsuda. He was safe with Matsuda.

"I'm safe with you," he whimpered.

"Yes. Safe."

The prisoner sniffled, still hugging his knees. M-Matsuda wasn't like Light. He wouldn't rape or beat L if he was angry. L rocked, repeating that he was safe under his breath. Sighing, Matsuda moved closer.

"Can I sit?"

L nodded. Matsuda looked at him.

"... Can I hug you?"

When L nodded again, he gasped at the hug. It felt nice... comforting... L slowly melted into it, burying his face into Matsuda's shoulder. He inhaled the scent of rose soap and tropical shampoo, slowly spreading his long fingers over the consort's back.

"Thank you," L whispered.

Matsuda nodded reassuringly, kissing L's temple. He was still angry and hurt inside... L's suffering was his fault... it was enough to make Matsuda want to curl up and die.

"M-maybe we should switch places-"

"No." L pulled back slightly, brushing long black bangs away from his eyes. In the yellowish light, he looked sickly. "We won't."

"But-"

"Touta. I don't have many choices in my life. This is the last thing I have control over."

Matsuda gaped. The seconds ticked by until he nodded slowly.

"Alright... I'm sorry."

"Don't be," L smiled, nuzzling Matsuda, "... thank you for offering.."

Sighing, Matsuda kissed the man.

Even when he went back to his room that night, he didn't sleep. Simply stared at the ceiling.

Now whenever Light said he was going to go blow off some steam, Matsuda felt _guilt_. It gnawed at him, his brain force-feeding him images of what Light could be doing to the other. _All your fault_. Matsuda did his best to ignore the voices and carry about his day, his face drawn and constantly feeling nauseous.

* * *

Light was pleased by the change of behavior in L. When Light entered the cell, L curled up in his lap as usual, kissing at Light's chest through his clothing. Smirking, Light stroked down L's back, whispering soothingly to his pet.

He wasn't sure if he'd ever had so much fun before. It was brilliant, really... watch L be elevated by Matsuda. Witness the prisoner trying to piece himself back together... find someone who he identified as safe. And when Light inevitably became bored of the journey up, he'd make sure that L crashed back down, so low that he'd finally choose Light over Matsuda. He couldn't comprehend what L saw in the buffoon. Matsuda had fucked up on so many occasions during the Kira case, although Light supposed the man had his own... charm... to him.

He couldn't deny Matsuda's big, soft, vulnerable heart, always bleeding for whatever poor soul it came across. Sometimes it made Light wonder if Matsuda secretly _was_ Soichiro's son.

Matsuda and Light sat stretched out naked in bed, Matsuda tucked into Light's body heat. He hated the oppressiveness of it. Such cuddles should be warm and comforting, but it felt like he was trapped in a fire, and he'd suffocate or burn if he stayed too long.

There was a soft knock at the door and Light looked up in a slight annoyance.

"Yes?"

"Orders for the kitchen?" Koharu asked shyly from the other side.

Light's lips curled into an easy smile, his body still content and buzzing from last night. Matsuda's brow quirked and he twisted around so he was nuzzling Light's neck.

"I'd love some pancakes," Matsuda whispered, pouting pleadingly.

Kira rolled his eyes with a gentle laugh. Matsuda bit his lip. Someone could almost pretend they were lovers, except everything was just a little off. Matsuda never looked Light in the eye, the kisses had no tenderness. Their movements were robotic, automatic and without any heart. But, Light kept up the charade. He ordered Matsuda's pancakes and a fruit salad for himself.

Matsuda stared at that toned chest, lost in thought. L's words continued swirling in his brain, had been for weeks. Matsuda shouldn't have this... the velvet bedsheets, silk garments, a choice of whatever food he desired. He didn't want any of it. A shiver raced up his spine when Light's fingers danced along his shoulder-blades, the searing hot digits making the hair on Matsuda's skin stand. He blinked, coming back into himself and looking up at the other with a small smile.

"This is perfect," Matsuda breathed, his stomach twisting and recoiling at the words.

Light's smile was dazzling. He gently touched Matsuda's chin, his thumb passing over his bottom lip and sending Matsuda's pulse racing. Fuck. Maybe a part of him did enjoy the sex... the touches were definitely sensual and arousing. Light sighed, his neck craning down. Teeth gently nipped along Matsuda's earlobe, Light's tongue playing with the skin and making heat pool into Matsuda's stomach.

Koharu came back with the breakfasts, and Matsuda was ashamed to say that it was delicious. Light sipped at his coffee, a serenity on his features. This castle tucked away from the rest of civilization...

It was true paradise.

A staff carefully handpicked by him to be loyal and devoted followers. His love was in a cage, breaking beautifully. Misa was nowhere near this little haven, and Matsuda proved to be a worthy fuck toy and even companion at times. Light smiled into his coffee, imagining how much more perfect this little paradise would be with L curled around his feet, following him like a little puppy, not an iota of doubt in that pretty brain of his.

Light sighed when the alarm rang. He had to confer with his disciples out in the world. Touching Matsuda's collar, Light delighted in the shiver it produced from the other man. Matsuda blinked innocently, tilting his head.

"The garden is lovely today," Light grinned, "why don't you have some fun in the leaves, hm?"

Matsuda's jaw squared, despising the cutesy tone Light had taken. He quietly dipped his head, mumbling about how much he'd miss him. The likelihood was that Light would be spending the night... Matsuda wanted to visit L more than anything in the world...

* * *

He tried reading, laying on the veranda's railing, the old stone on one side and the bright courtyard to his other. Matsuda supposed it wasn't so bad here.

The sound of huffing made him look up. Matsuda's eyes widened. Koharu ran down the veranda, her eyes wide and... terrified... Why is she terrified? Matsuda swung to his feet, but before he could ask what was happening, she tripped. Koharu yelped, sprawling over stone, her skin scraping. She sobbed in pain, holding her arm.

Matsuda gasped, rushing for her. She forced herself to her feet on her own, stumbling and trying to catch her breath. Panting heavily, she looked at him with that same horrifie expression.

"K-Koha-"

"Hide," she squeaked, starting to run again.

Before she could get far, Matsuda grasped her arm. She jerked back, her feet almost slipping again, but he managed to catch her, steadying her. Matsuda swallowed thickly, searching her face.

"Matsuda! You _have_ to hide!" She grabbed his arms desperately, her gaze wild and untempered.

He'd never seen her like this. For as long as he'd known her, she always had this... quiet adoration... He opened his mouth to ask what was going on, but she cut him off.

"It's Kami... I've never seen him so angry before."

Matsuda blanched, shivers creeping up his spine. Just a few hours, he'd say Light was even in a... good mood... Koharu tried to pull away, but he wouldn't let her, his grip firm.

"Koharu! Calm down and _explain!_ "

Her lip quivered, large brown eyes wavering and unsure. She kept looking between Matsuda and the door, obviously worrying about Light coming.

"It's chaos in there," she whimpered, "he had three maids killed in a blind rage. I'm not totally sure, but there are... rumors. Some new detective named 'N'."

She tugged on her arm again. Matsuda stared at her. N...? What- what the Hell was that supposed to mean? He let go of her sleeve in a daze and she scurried away, disappearing into another entrance. No sooner had she tucked herself out of sight, when Matsuda heard enraged footsteps echoing against the castle's stone. He leaned against the railing, fear gripping him so tightly that he couldn't move.

Light looked like a devil.

His eyes glowed a Hellish red and the murderousness exuding from them... Matsuda's knees buckled. He gaped, his throat closing on him when Light's eyes snapped in his direction. For a second, Matsuda thought Light would kill him then and there, but Light continue stalking, a dark aura surrounding him. Matsuda's legs gave out on him and he slid to the floor, his arms the only things supporting him. He looked after Light, his lip quivering.

Light was walking directly for the north tower.

L...

Matsuda ran. He ran so fast that pebbles embedded into the souls of his feet. He tore into the main castle and skidded to a stop. Koharu hadn't exaggerated. People rushed about, barking orders and trying to figure out how to appease their god. He ignored them all, his legs pumping at speeds he hadn't traveled for years. He skidded into the camera room, breathing heavily. Empty... all of the guards must've been coordinating their efforts to get the castle back under control...

He moved to the computer, biting down on his knuckles. The screen in L's cell popped up and Matsuda leaned so close that the image looked pixelated.

L stared at the ceiling, sighing. In order to keep itself occupied, his brain would try and imagine what next conversation he'd have with Matsuda. He pictured lovely dark hair and the man's healthy complexion- L jumped when the door slammed open.

Light looked furious. More angry than L had ever seen. He instantly started shaking, looking at the ground.

"M-Master-"

" _Don't you 'Master' me!_ " Light snarled, unlocking the cell door and storming inside.

Fuck, L was shaking. He bowed so low that his forehead touched the cool ground.

"Master, I-"

A scream caught in his throat when Light grabbed his neck in one swift motion, backing him up and pressing him to the wall. L squeaked, terror clouding his mind and making him almost sob.

"You little liar," Light growled, "when were you planning on telling me about 'N'? _Hm_?!"

L's eyes widened. He'd... he'd tried to push the successors out of his mind. He choked the harder Light squeezed on his neck, his entire body pressed against the wall.

"I'm sorry!" He cried out, tears forming in the corners of his eyes, "I don't know his name!" L sobbed when Light squeezed harder.

"I don't believe you!" Light roared, his face so close to L's that he could smell his breath.

L grasped at the stone wall, his vision swimming.

"Please!... Please... Only Watari knows my successors' true names. They were supposed to replace me if I got killed or-or captured without hope of rescue!"

...It was true... L only knew the boys by their pseudonyms. He'd never cared to learn more about them, always claiming that the successor program was unnecessary. In his mind, he'd been invincible and the thought of even suggesting a successor had been insulting.

L was brought out of his thoughts by Light slapping his hand across his face. It was so hard that L crumpled to the ground, his cheek burning. He breathed heavily, staring at the stone and trembling. A wail tore through his throat when Light kicked him so hard that he thought he heard a _crack_.

"I'm sorry!" L curled up into a little ball, sniffling and repeating the apology under his breath.

Matsuda stood quickly, his heart hammering. No... no... he ran for the north tower.

L yelped when Light grasped his hair, slamming him into the wall. Everything hurt... fuck, everything hurt and the world was spinning. L tried orienting himself, but he couldn't. He felt Light's hands, shifting over his body like fire. And then... another scream ripped through L's throat. He was being torn from the inside out... Light was so big... no preparation, no... L pressed his temple against the wall, tears falling freely. Light speared his flesh, made him feel like he was being split.

"I should kill you now," Light hissed into his ear.

Yes... yes, L wanted that. L would give anything for that.

Matsuda ran, but was stopped by the guards. He tried stepping around them, but they flashed their guns threateningly.

L's features twisted in pain whenever Light moved. Light's lips attached to his neck, growling and full of rage.

"You. Belong. To _me!_ "

"...I'm sorry..."

L felt a liquid running down his thigh and identified it as blood. He whimpered, squeezing his eyes closed. Light held up a knife to his throat and L quivered, staring at the thing. The knife slowly moved to his back, tearing down L's shirt. L watched it fall to the ground, exposing his scar-riddled back. The pants that hung down to his knees got the same treatment. His teeth chattered, sudden cold hitting his skin. Light came, and for a moment, L thought it was over. He felt full and horrible, cum mixing with blood running down his skin.

Grabbing L's hair again, Light shoved him to the ground, his hand wrapping around L's chin.

"You're going to tell me _everything_ ," he growled.

The floor was so cold... L wanted to curl into himself for warmth.

"Of course... of course, I'll tell you everything... I swear..."

Light ran a hand along L's chest, humming to himself.

"Perhaps I've been too kind to you."

L whimpered in response. Light held up the knife to his chest.

"Talk. I'm sorry, but you must be punished. You're not allowed to scream, or I'll kill both you and Touta."

L's eyes widened to the size of saucers. He swallowed, staring at the ceiling, his limbs trembling.

"I um... g-grew up... in an orphan-" he sank his teeth into his lip to keep from screaming when Light started carving a K. It was a struggle to keep his voice steady, he'd never had to do anything like this. Light always listened to his screams. This was- dizzying and nauseating. "... orphanage... Watari... Quillish Wammy..." His throat closed on him with every drag of Light's knife. It burned like fire, every single synapse in his body begging him to howl in pain. "S-successor program... to-"

He squeaked when Light started the I, his entire body trembling.

"r-replace me... all pseud... Near. Near..."

"N is Near, I take it?" Light purred, getting to work on the R.

L's lips quivered. He tried nodding, but he couldn't do anything, the pain numbing him. He could feel blood running down his skin, pooling from both the wounds and his backside.

"Yes... yes... Near... Near..." A stray tear escaped. Scream. He wanted to scream so badly.

"Any other successors I have to worry about?"

"Um... Mm..."

"Don't you dare pass out on me."

Right. Right.

"Um... M-Mello... he... unpredictable."

Light finished the R, tilting his head.

"Unpredictable. Is he unstable?"

"Will do... anything... to-to out-perform Near..."

Light nodded thoughtfully, getting to work on the A. L bit his tongue until he tasted blood, his mind spinning.

"Do you know what they look like?"

"N... white hair... grey eyes..." L laughed softly, remembering the boy he used to love so much. "M... blond... blue..." Every syllable that came out wanted to be a shriek of pain and horror.

"How much do they know about the Kira case?"

"Nothing," L breathed, "they think... I'm dead... They've had to... to start from scratch."

Light's eyes burned with a ferocity, trying to decide if he believed the man. Nodding, he pulled the knife away from the new marks, smiling down at them.

"There. Don't forget who you belong to. This was knowledge you should've told me, Pet."

"You didn't ask," L whispered. If he spoke any higher, he'd be crying, "you thought when I was defeated... that... that be... be the end... I didn't say anything and then..." More tears rolled down his face, "I lost hope..."

"Hm." Light leaned down, his lips hovering over L's.

L kept shivering, the cool autumn temperature making his body shrivel.

"Well... stay here and think about what you've done, Pet. I'll be back later. I'm so sorry I had to do this, but you left me no choice."

Cupping L's cheek, the prisoner rattled in terror against Light's hand. Pressing a soft kiss to the man's lips, Light stood. He breathed out, his anger relieved as he turned on his heel, moving for the entrance. L didn't move.

Reaching the top of the stairs, Light saw Matsuda, pacing and looking worried. They locked eyes and Matsuda's nostrils flared. Huffing, Light waved the guards down as he addressed his consort.

"I'll be having dinner when you're ready to join me."

Matsuda's eyes widened a fraction. Instead of responding, he ran past Light, almost slipping on his way down. He gasped, his hands flying to his mouth. L was naked in a puddle of blood, _Kira_ carved on his chest... L was shivering, staring up at the ceiling and whimpering.

"No!"

Matsuda ran into the cell, scooping up the other.

"L?!"

At first, L didn't respond, just kept shaking. Matsuda smoothed L's hair away from his features, looking down at eyes wide open.

A haunting shriek shredded L's throat.


	6. Utter Vacancy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: brief mention of past child abduction.

"Shh, L, I'm here, I'm here."

Matsuda's lip quivered.

L curled in on himself, breathing heavily. Exhausted... exhausted and in pain... his chest burned, his backside torn apart. He whimpered, looking down to see blood and come sticking to his legs, cooling and making him shiver. He was so cold... where was he, again?

He gasped softly when he felt something wrap around his body. L sluggishly looked up, his gaze unfocused. Matsuda had taken off his sweater and had rearranged it on top of him. Tears pressed in the back of his eyes as he slowly realized that Matsuda was still holding him, cradling him and whispering soothingly.

"Matsu..." He breathed, swallowing thickly.

It had been so long since Light had taken him raw like that, not even a slight stretching. He'd been cut and branded before, but that... unable to vocalize in the way he had to... The terror when L genuinely thought for a moment that Light would kill Matsuda and him... He sniffled, burying and hiding his face into the sweater. Matsuda had seen him like that... his body naked, broken and discarded on the cold ground. Defiled and put on display. L felt sick. More sick than he had when he first came here. L's hand slowly traveled to his thigh, his mind trying to retreat and save itself. 

"It's okay," L whispered.

Matsuda faltered, his eyes widening.

"... What?"

"I... I'm his toy... I belong to him. It's okay." L squeezed his thigh, "I was being punished... he didn't mean to hurt me..."

"L. L, I need you to look at me."

L didn't. There was a wrongness to his words that he couldn't pinpoint. Couldn't identify.

Matsuda sighed, opting to just hold the other in a loving hug. After a few minutes, the door opened. Matsuda held L against him, his eyes snapping up to see two doctors and four guards. He wanted to snarl at them to get away, that he wouldn't let anyone near his L ever again. One of the doctors held up a hand.

"Kami sent us to help him."

L shuddered. Matsuda tightened his grip protectively, his jaw squared.

"What are you going to do to him?!" Matsuda growled.

The doctor rolled his eyes.

"Examine and fix him up. Jesus, we don't have time for this."

He motioned to the guards, who started moving into the cell. Matsuda let out a decidedly unheroic squeak, holding L's face into his chest.

"Don't go-" L quietly whimpered, shaking his head.

The guards roughly grabbed Matsuda and he thought he'd kill someone. Rough, large hands gripped at his arms, pulling and forcing him to his feet. L huddled into a ball on the ground, ignoring Matsuda's extraction.

"NO!" Matsuda yelled, jerking his arms, "LET ME BE WITH HIM!"

All he could do was watch as the doctors bustled towards L, one prying apart his legs. L made an incoherent sound trying to keep his legs closed.

"...Please..."

He sounded so pitiful and terrified. Matsuda struggled to get to him, his throat bobbing.

After a few seconds though, L had become a rag-doll on the floor, his body pliant in the doctor's hands. He squirmed and cried softly as the lead doctor examined him, poked and prodded him. The doctor stood, jotting something onto a clipboard.

"He has a broken rib. The other wounds are superficial, we just have to make sure none of them get infected."

A broken rib... Light kicking L flashed through Matsuda's mind, reigniting the anger. He was going to smash Kira's perfect teeth into the fucking wall...

L turned to his side, pulling Matsuda's jacket tighter around himself. The doctor hummed thoughtfully.

"Kami will provide him with new clothing at his earliest convenience... I think we're done here."

What...? It was autumn! It was cold out! Matsuda wanted to argue and yell, but it wouldn't do any good. He was powerless. 

The other doctor agreed. L quietly rubbed his legs together, sniffling and shrinking, become a horizontal ball again. Matsuda watched him sadly, wrenching his arms in the guard's grasp. The doctor paused in front of Matsuda, pointing his pen.

"Kami wishes to speak to you."

"But-"

Matsuda's limbs trembled. His eyes flashed back in L's direction, at the man crying on the floor.

"Matsuda-" L croaked desperately.

But Matsuda couldn't break free as the guards dragged him up the stairs. His feet felt heavy, like lead. He stared at the ground, his vision swimming. L didn't deserve any of this... he... tears stung the back of Matsuda's eyes. He allowed himself to be dragged to the meeting room. It barely even registered in his mind when the guards shoved him to his knees. Light sat at the desk, scrolling through his laptop and humming thoughtfully, a glass of champagne delicately held between his fingers. Ever the so regal prick. He spared Matsuda a glance, sipping his drink.

"You probably hate me, don't you? You care about L so much, and here I go punishing him. It had to be done, though."

Matsuda grit his teeth. He glared at the floor, wishing he could melt the tile with his gaze. Wishing he could burn a hole into Light's perfect face. His voice wavered, barely able to contain his rage.

"... He's hurt... the doctor said he has a broken rib."

Light blinked, seeming genuinely taken back.

"Really? I might've been a little rougher than I thought." He looked at the guard, "send L a strawberry shortcake with a get well soon card."

The guard bowed and slipped out for the kitchen. Matsuda shuddered, holding his arms. How could anyone be so cruel? He stiffened when he saw Light's feet moving in his direction. Matsuda bit his tongue, going as still as a statue when Light gently ran his fingers through Matsuda's hair.

"It pains me," Light whispered.

"Pains you?" Matsuda asked more sharply than he intended.

"Of course. I love him, Touta, and it pains me to punish him. But he's always doing something wrong, always going against the rules. I'm scared that if I keep punishing him, he won't be able to see how much I love him. Your god is suffering, Touta."

"... I'm sorry to hear you're suffering," Matsuda forced out.

"You could help me," Light breathed, a finger tracing along Matsuda's collar. The touch had its own quiet wickedness that left Matsuda shivering.

"Oh?"

Light leaned down, his lips brushing Matsuda ear. He could feel Kira's smirk against his skin.

"Whenever L needs to be punished... whipped, beaten, branded or burned... you'll do it."

Matsuda felt sick.

He quickly covered his mouth to keep from vomiting, his eyes shining with tears. This was Light's plan all along, wasn't it? Build the two of them up... make L trust and find safety in Matsuda... only for Matsuda to become his torturer...

"I won't do it," he rasped, an acidic taste in the back of his throat.

"And if I executed you?"

Matsuda was almost fine with that. But L's sacrifice... years of suffering... just for all of it to be thrown away. But... no... he refused to hurt L!

"Please, Kami... s-show mercy... don't make me..."

Light's fingers softly wrapped around his throat, just above the collar.

"If you don't, L's punishments will just get worse. Are you denying your god?"

"Please!" Matsuda's voice cracked, on the verge of sobbing, "please don't make me! Please! I'll do anything, I'll suck your dick, I'll fuck you, I'll be a good little consort, just... please..."

Tears fell freely, rolling down his cheek.

"I'll never question or think for myself ever again. Please..." But Matsuda knew it was useless. This had been Light's plan. The man wouldn't be swayed by some begging. Still.

Matsuda looked up with wet, large eyes, swaying under Light's touch. He threw out his dignity.

"I love you," Matsuda declared, searching Light's face. "I love you, Light."

Light stared at him. Taking Light hand, Matsuda wrapped his tongue around one of the digits without hesitation, mumbling 'I love you' around the finger. Light's finger curled in his mouth, but Matsuda continued sucking and licking.

"I love you, Light. Please, don't do this. I love you."

For just a brief moment, Matsuda saw Light's eyes flicker in uncertainty and debate. But it was quashed as Kira leaned in, his voice serpentine.

"I love you too, Baby. But between your love and L's, it's not really a competition."

Matsuda's head hung in defeat. Standing, Light adjusted his suit and left, pausing in the doorway.

"L needs some space to heal, but once he has, I have a feeling he'll be very disobedient."

Matsuda covered his face. Light ignored the pitiful sounds, striding out of the meeting room.

All at once, Matsuda's emotions seeped out and he felt like a hollow shell. Like Light had stripped away everything he was. This place had taken and twisted him until he couldn't recognize himself anymore. He watched the ground, shuddering.

"No... L..."

* * *

L stared at the cake, his throat bobbing nervously.

A part of him thought it was a trap. That did seem to fit the general theme. But after his stomach complained for the millionth time, L hesitantly grabbed a large chunk of cake, eating straight from his hand. No utensils, but L didn't really care about that. Sweet sugar hit his tongue and he swayed, falling backwards. It made him moan, the sound practically obscene. L looked down at the cake, a soft smile coming to his lips.

Light did love him... he'd sent him a get well soon cake!

L's heart warmed as he continued eating, giggling gently. Light was so sweet when he wasn't punishing him.

He beamed, squirming excitedly. L fell onto his back, smiling and sporadically laughing. Light wouldn't have punished him if he didn't care! But... no... that sounded wrong. Tears pressed the back of his eyes.

 _Near_...

Would Near ever find him? L swallowed thickly. Near had come to the orphanage already after L was traveling full-time. As such, he'd only met Near a handful of times, never caring to learn the boy's name. It'd all been irrelevant to him. Near was just an interesting, quiet soul who L enjoyed to be around. Someone who would listen to L's stories with a deep and profound silence. L smiled wistfully, remembering playing chess with the boy. Asking how his studies were going and what new toys Near had suckered Roger into buying. But now... Light was angry at him and Near was chasing Kira.

L turned on his side, gripping his bangs.

He didn't even know who he wanted to win.

* * *

The day came much sooner than Matsuda could have ever prepared for... there was no way for him to prepare. He knew he'd been avoiding L, trying not to look into those handsome eyes. Eyes that'd make his legs into complete jelly. He couldn't tell if it was better or worse not to visit the prisoner. All he knew was that he found himself vomiting in the middle of the night just thinking about what Light would force him to do. If it was possible, Matsuda became even more withdrawn, time moving both slowly and quickly. One moment, he was sleeping against Light's body, the man's heart annoying loud in his ear. The next, Light was gently shaking him and reminding him that it was time to get up. That Light wanted to visit his favorite prisoner.

Matsuda scanned Kira's face, his stomach twisting. A part of him wanted to snark, but he had no idea what to snark with. So Matsuda simply followed the other, his face tilted downwards. Dead inside and despising himself.

L looked up from the bed and the sound of footsteps. His face flickered in confusion, and he shrank when he saw Matsuda accompanying Light. Matsuda leaned against the wall, looking everywhere but the cell. L stared at him, his heart in his throat. _What's Light doing_? The door opened and he jumped, automatically bowing his head in a whimper.

"Master."

"Shh." Light tenderly slid his fingers through L's tangles, "all is forgiven, Pet. How could I stay mad at you?"

L's eyes went up, wide and shining. He meant that? Light's face darkened.

"Although, Matsuda... he's rather angry. He wants to punish you if you do something bad."

L watched him. Matsuda... wanted to punish him...? No. No, he wouldn't. He- L swayed, his eyes going to the floor. No. Matsuda would never hurt him! He was safe with Matsuda! Light gently touched his arms and L flinched in response, slowly holding his arms protectively.

"Master..."

"Come on. Sit on my lap. Just pretend he's not even here."

The prisoner nodded in a daze, curling up on Light's lap. The scent of crisp apple and sweetness filled his senses, lulling him. He stayed there, nestled in Light's body heat while his god hummed and read. L craned his neck, wanting to read too. The tower was eerily quiet, Matsuda still not looking at them. He wanted to disappear. Dread prickled his stomach, preparing him for the worst.

And then Light's lips were on L's. L accepted Light's tongue automatically, letting loose an obscene moan. Light smirked against his pet's lips. He slowly placed L on his back, holding eye contact. Such beautiful grey eyes... Light's heart pounded. And they were all his. Everything of L belonged to him. This must've been true love. He gently opened L's knees, his lips going to the prisoner's neck as he stretched him while spreading lube. His finger ran up the insides of L's walls, passing over healing scabs, ridges and scars. L threw his head back, eyes clouding over from pleasure. He was back in good graces with his god. L nuzzled the top of Light's head, taking Kira's ear between his lips. The lube was cold, causing goosebumps to pepper L's skin. But he'd endure it. For Light, he would. L seized when Light wrapped a hand around his member, and he thought he'd wither at that very second.

The palm was so warm. L panted, his legs shaking with the need to orgasm, but he felt Light's warm breath against his cheek.

"Not yet." Light softly kissed the spot.

L nodded in an incoherent daze, his arms wrapped around the other, Light's face buried in his neck. He faltered, his eyes flickering over in Matsuda's direction. Handsome... black hair that was actually well-kept, chocolatey kind brown eyes... L gaped.

Matsuda was trying his best not to watch, not to _listen_. Every squeak and quiet plea L sounded made his knees buckle. Although... he felt... eyes... on him... Matsuda chanced looking over and froze. L was staring at him, his eyes misted. _I want this to be you. I love you_ , the expression whispered.

 _I love you too_ , Matsuda responded silently. _I'm sorry._

Even now, L's eyes were so intelligent, always scanning and analyzing, prickles of fear making themselves known.

L was so entranced that he didn't moan when Light bit his shoulder. Light pulled back and L's gaze snapped in the man's direction, wide like a deer in headlights. Fuck. Kira glared down at him, his eyes fire.

"Why didn't you moan?"

The prisoner blinked slowly, feeling disconnected from the situation. What was he doing here? Why? Why was he... L didn't respond, scanning perfectly chiseled features. Light snorted, scooting away.

"Matsuda, he needs to be punished. Five punches should do the trick."

L's eyes widened in understanding.

He curled in on himself, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry, I-I'll be better-"

Matsuda's blood boiled. He wanted to refuse... yet his body felt like lead as he slowly made his way towards L. L shrank, eyes large and scared. Scared... of Matsuda... Matsuda closed his eyes, hating himself. _I'm sorry, L_. He ignored the cries of pain as knuckle hit skin and bone.

L crumpled, his hand flying to his cheek. He was breathless, and it wasn't just from the punch.

"Touta-!"

Matsuda's resolve wavered, but he forced himself to continue, smashing four more punches. By the time he was done, L was sprawled across the floor, his head hanging and sobbing softly. It all burned and he was aware of a cut on his lip, blood slowly dripping and splashing against the floor. L pulled himself away from Matsuda, fresh hurt and betrayal in his eyes. Matsuda averted his eyes, sick to his stomach. L cradled his knees and rocked, his eyes following Matsuda.

Light returned to L as if nothing happened, pulling the man back into his lap and stroking his hair. L leaned into the touch, feeling so... fractured. A part of him knew it wasn't Matsuda's fault, but... he'd promised! He'd promised he'd never hurt L! L touched at the forming welts. He was shattered and couldn't even focus. L started shaking, his mind swirling and he pushed away from Light. The ground met his back, but he didn't give it any mind, scrambling backwards and heaving, both Light and Matsuda just dark, unidentifiable shapes.

He covered his face.

"Get away from me! I hate you!"

Light's brow quirked.

"Hate's a strong word, Pet. Who are you talking to?"

L shook his head, not answering. Kira's eyes hardened, his jaw set in determination. His eyes snapped in Matsuda's direction, dark and vindictive.

The things Matsuda did to L were enough to give both of them nightmares for the rest of their lives. The sounds he pulled made Matsuda want to die a million times over.

L was drowning, the pain matched by the sorrow, fear and betrayal. _It's not his fault, he doesn't want to hurt you!_ And yet, his brain was already so hurt, so... shattered... that the mantra didn't help. Everything hurt and he wanted to die. He'd been humiliated in front of Matsuda, had been humiliated by him. L knew he hadn't been the best person in his previous life... but he didn't understand what he'd done to deserve this.

By the time Light felt it'd been enough, Matsuda practically scrambled backwards. L was bleeding, bruised and burnt, the chains around his wrists and ankles slick with blood, blood caked in his hair and his face marred by welts. Matsuda stared at L, his limbs trembling. The prisoner was on his back, staring at the ceiling.

"... L...?"

There was nothing. No pain or sadness, or even fear. Matsuda saw nothing in L's eyes.

"Oh God..."

Light stepped in, brushing L's bangs away from his face. L's head rolled with the touch, but the expression never changed.

Utter vacancy.

Light winced, but stood, adjusting his suit.

"I'll be back tomorrow, alright, Pet?"

L blinked, hesitantly kissing Light's palm, his lips lingering and that expression that still so far away.

* * *

Two weeks.

Two weeks and reality itself didn't seem to have any meaning. Time didn't just confuse him, it blended and blurred. To the point where L wasn't quite sure if Matsuda was torturing him or tending to his wounds. When he felt a gentle wet rag on his forehead, he knew it was tending. But L couldn't shake a deeper anger. The thought that Matsuda was responsible. A low bitterness that simmered in his stomach. He'd feel Matsuda's lips on his forehead and a part of him would wonder how sincere the kisses were. What if this was revenge for all the times L had called him an idiot during the investigation?

He stared up at Matsuda, his throat bobbing.

"You hate me."

Matsuda faltered.

"... What?"

"You hate me. That's why you hurt me, isn't it? You- you promised..."

"L."

Matsuda gently held L's face in his hands. But he could see it in the other's eyes. No matter what happened... the trust between them had been shattered. He slowly shook his head though.

"I love you."

"That's what Light says too." _Before he hurts me. Who actually loves me? Am I unloveable? What's happening to me_?

L looked away from him, his eyes unsure. He couldn't help but flinch a little when Matsuda dabbed the rag again.

Matsuda's heart cracked. But he didn't let himself fall apart. L-L needed him... no... L didn't need him... Matsuda was the source of his suffering. Ever since the beginning. Matsuda quietly continued dabbed at a cut.

* * *

He sat in the garden. There were harsh lines under his eyes and his gaze remained vacant. Matsuda could still feel L's blood on his hands, no matter how hard he'd tried scrubbing his skin, washing between his fingers and pleading to forget. But he couldn't. It was all burned in his memory. He heard footsteps and Koharu came into his field of vision, her brow knit with concern.

"Matsuda?" She sat next to him, "you don't seem to be doing very well..."

He didn't respond. L was slipping between his fingers. The man he was was dying before Matsuda's eyes. No escape. There was no escape and soon he'd be forced to watch the man he loved completely disappear. Matsuda had never been more tempted to step over the explosion line.

"Koharu... why do you worship Kira?"

As long as he'd known her, Koharu was a sweet, gentle soul. How could she worship such an evil creature? Perhaps he was looking for answers for himself, so he could live with himself and exist in this new reality. Koharu blinked, twisting the fabric of her shirt between her fingers.

"My daughter," she whispered, "I had a little four year old... the light of my life. I was a single mother, kicked out by parents for getting pregnant young. She was all that I had left. And... someone abducted her..." Her eyes misted, "he killed her... he'd done despicable things to her... instead of execution, though, he got _life_ in prison. Life if prison, what a fucking joke... I lost the will to live, but when I thought all hope was lost-" She sighed reverently, "Kira shone his justice. And gave me a purpose. I swore to dedicate my life to him, advocate at rallies and become a prominent figure in Kira's temples. One day, the priest at the temple told me that Kami had a job position open and had personally extended an invitation to me. I'd have to quit my current job and move here, but I knew it was worth it. I'd found my calling. The rest was history."

Koharu smiled.

"He truly is justice."

Matsuda watched her, his heart going out to her. He'd had no idea she'd suffered so much. Matsuda looked back over the garden, feeling dull. He understood her position, he truly did... but Light was a monster. And L was going to suffer. Worse than that. L would die in the way that mattered.

"I never wanted to be here," Matsuda breathed. He was sick of mind games, sneaking around and dancing around the truth.

Koharu's eyes widened a fraction.

"Wha-"

"I never wanted to be here. But Light wanted me. So he forced me to stay. He forced me to have sex. Forced me to tell him I loved him... I can never see him as a good force..."

Matsuda sniffed, knowing this was a bad idea. He couldn't tell anyone these thoughts. Yet he found his head hanging, tears forcing their way down the bridge of his nose. Matsuda gasped, the flood threatening to wash him away. L's shrieks embedded in his brain, the look in those eyes, caused by Matsuda.

He sobbed, scratching at his arms.

"It's not fair!"

He covered his mouth, heaving. Koharu's eyes flashed in alarm and she enveloped him, whispering soothingly and rubbing circles along his back.

"Touta..."

"I want to go home," Matsuda choked.

His neglectful mother, his mean sister, he wanted them. He wanted L to be safe. Koharu stared at him, swallowing thickly.

"You're safe," she whispered.

"But L's not!"

Matsuda stood, pulling away from her touch. He held on to his stomach, sick. Tomorrow would be the same. He'd go to the cell with Light and while Kira raped his love, Matsuda would be in the sidelines, waiting to hurt the man. He was so dirty. Matsuda looked at Koharu, hesitating. She was still staring in a quiet shock, looking like she wanted to respond, but had no idea how to. He smoothed a hand through his hair and quietly sped-walk back for the castle, wanting to hide under a million blankets.

Wanting to hide his filth.


	7. Plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: Suicidal thoughts

" _Matsuda_ , _you idiot!"_

_Matsuda flinched, scratching the back of his neck nervously. He hadn't meant for his infiltration of Yotsuba to go so horribly... he just wanted to... impress... L. But he could recognize that he'd seriously screwed up. That all of L's plans had gone haywire because of him. The detective was still wearing that stupid paramedic outfit because of him. Although L had always looked good in white, his hair tamed down by the helmet. Matsuda got distracted for a moment and chastised himself, feeling like the idiot the task force claimed he was. He dipped his head in apology, his throat thick and heavy. Just another reason why L would never see him as anything more, would never recognize his worth. If Matsuda actually had any worth._

_"I'm sorry," Matsuda mumbled, averting his eyes._

_L stepped close, gunmetal eyes seething. They were angry, but there was also a touch of... fear? Concern? Worry? Matsuda blinked, figuring he must've imagined it. The great detective L didn't feel fear._

_"You could've died," L growled, shaking his head, "what would I have done if you died? Yotsuba could've gotten suspicious... this entire investigation could've been turned on its head. I'd have to draft a letter to your family- to the NPA..."_

_"I'm sorry," Matsuda simply repeated._

_L didn't say anything for what felt like the longest, his eyes wide and scanning Matsuda. The young officer shifted, his eyes wide when he heard the next words from the detective's mouth... much softer and almost... caring._

_"Just be careful..."_

Now Matsuda was realizing that had just genuinely been scared for him. And how had Matsuda repaid that concern?... By torturing L on Light's behalf.

One step over the forest line. Boom. Matsuda bet he wouldn't even feel a thing. The thought was more appealing than it should've been.

The theater was the perfect place to nestle himself away: dark and rarely visited. Since it was nothing but a large screen, a projector and some movies, it was one of the few rooms that didn't have cameras. There was no way to sabotage any part of the castle from this place. In the darkness, he could take a swig of that vodka Akio got him, feel it burn his throat and coat his tastebuds. He listened to the hum of machinery, his limbs numb and detached. L's screams echoed, rattling his brain overpowering his thoughts. Matsuda sighed, wringing his fingers. Escape was impossible. Light was simply too smart. He felt like a dog chasing his own tail, seeing opportunities just for them to disappear like a mirage.

The door opened and he blanched, his thoughts moving to Light. He quickly stashed away the vodka. He tossed popcorn into his mouth, trying to hide the smell. Shit, he probably should've put on some movie for cover. It'd be weird for him to just be sitting in a dark room.

Matsuda tensed, listening intently to small footsteps. Much too dainty for Light's. He relaxed slightly, his tongue heavy in his mouth.

"Koharu."

She made a small, surprised noise, chuckling in uncertainty.

"I, um... I thought you'd be here, but the lights were out, so..."

She hesitated, unsaid words hanging in the air. Matsuda shrank, not wanting to see or talk to her. He wanted to be alone. To mourn what he had with L in isolation. But after a few seconds, it was clear she wasn't leaving. Matsuda pursed his lips and pressed a button on the remote.

Overhead lights switched on, illuminating the theater. Koharu stood on the steps, wringing her fingers. Matsuda squinted against the harsh glare, watching her in interest.

"Kami requires my presence?" He asked automatically.

Koharu didn't say anything at first, simply observing him. She sat down in the chair next to Matsuda, her dark hair falling forward, not in its usual tight bun. Matsuda's brow quirked, but he didn't address it. Koharu cleared her throat, tucking a loose strand behind her ear. She looked up at the black screen, staring at it as if there was a movie playing. When she finally spoke, her voice was gentle and unsure.

"How did you come to be Kami's consort?"

Matsuda blinked. He crossed his arms and averted his eyes, feeling uncomfortable.

"I was once a police man," -it felt like a lifetime ago- "and I found myself on the team meant to catch him. He... killed my people and... saw use in me. He forced me to wear this collar and made it my job to have sex with him."

Emotional blackmail for L. That's all Matsuda's pathetic little life amounted to. Koharu stared, her chocolatey brown eyes captivating.

"... He... kidnapped you? Raped you?" She bit her lip. "But... Kami wouldn't do that. He kills kidnappers and rapists."

Her hand flew to a little necklace. Matsuda's eyes traveled to the charm in interest. _A_. Neither of Koharu's initials... _her daughter's_? Matsuda thought back to what she'd said. About how the kidnapper had done... despicable... things to her daughter. He winced, hugging his knees. Of course being on the police force, he saw so many tragic scenes like that. He'd met parents and siblings and lovers who'd lost people they loved. If they came back alive, a piece of them was always still dead anyway. Matsuda swallowed thickly. If he was ever free... a piece of him would be dead too, wouldn't it? He wasn't the same. And L...

Matsuda wondered if L was more dead than alive.

"You want to know what your god does?" Matsuda whispered, "look at what he does to his prisoner... L was a force to be reckoned with. He was strong and intelligent and-" Matsuda's breath caught, "... and I love him."

Koharu's eyes snapped in his direction. Her nostrils flared, her eyes searching and terrified.

"I... He gave my daughter justice. If Kira isn't justice... then what is?"

Matsuda looked at the ground, his vision swimming. How often had he asked himself that same question?

"I don't know," he rasped, "he may be justice for some, but for me... Kira is suffering."

Her gaze was intense. Koharu couldn't understand how anyone saw Kira as evil, as... suffering... those who needed to be punished should take their punishment in stride, but being forced to be a consort? That wasn't a punishment. And if it was... it was... surprisingly cruel... She wrung her fingers, the action nervous and uncertain.

"... Okay," she whispered.

He blinked.

"Okay?"

"Okay," she affirmed, "I'll- I'll help you leave. Kira will always be my god, but... no one should feel forced to do anything. I'm here following my calling. If you're not... you should be free to leave."

He couldn't believe what he was hearing.

Koharu... the girl who would rave about Kira producing an heir someday and practically masturbating just talking about Light... wanted to help him escape? He gaped, his brain at a complete loss for a few moments. Matsuda touched his thumb to his lips, trying to channel his inner-L. This changed everything. She leaned forward.

"How do we start?"

 _I'm thinking_.

He blinked.

Matsuda got it.

He knew how to have Light bring the death note to the castle. Matsuda met Koharu's eyes, hope sluggishly fluttering in his chest like an old friend. His lips curled as he moved closer to Koharu, whispering his plan. With each sentence, it became more full realized.

Yes... he and L would have their freedom.

* * *

L gasped, falling onto his stomach. He'd stopped shaking a long time ago and had just gone limp.

Matsuda winced, sick to his stomach. His knuckles were cracked and bleeding from having punched L. Light shook his head sadly, clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth. Every movement the man made reminded Matsuda of a snake. Light sighed heavily, gently stroking his fingers down L's spine.

L shuddered, his eyes remaining otherwise emotionless.

"I'm sorry Touta had to hurt you," Light lamented.

L didn't respond. He continued staring at the ground, feeling like he was underwater. Eventually, he felt Light's presence go, just leaving him and Matsuda in the cell alone. He could feel Matsuda's gaze burning a hole into the back of his neck. Once again, L's mind battled itself.

_It's not his fault._

_He still hurt us. That's our blood on his knuckles_.

L swallowed thickly, reaching out for his logic. Trying to find any way to rationalize the situation. The most logical conclusion was that he belonged to Light and Matsuda never truly cared about him... but that felt wrong... that was... he belonged to Light, didn't he? Every inch of him said yes, but a small, almost mute voice in the back of his mind said no. Tried to remind him who he was and how important he was.

He flinched when he felt Matsuda gently dabbing a towel against a nasty gash on his temple. L's eyes flickered, slowly scanning the man's face. So handsome. If he closed his eyes, he could imagine himself and Matsuda, tightly locked together and joined, their limbs a tangled mesh. And Matsuda would look down at him with kindness... love... didn't L already get that from Light though?

"L." Matsuda croaked, shaking his head, "I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry."

Swallowing heavily, L's eyes darted, his fingers clenched against the stone.

"No problem," he whimpered. "It's... not your fault."

Matsuda wondered if L really meant that.

"Touta... do you love me?"

"Yes," he said instantly, his heart racing.

A part of him knew that L would always have a place in his heart, no matter what happened. L hummed thoughtfully and nodded, his gaze distant. He loved L. And L loved him. That's why... still. L couldn't help his eyes misting.

"If you love me... kill me."

Both of the people in his life who loved him hurt him. L was tired. Tired of everything. At least death would offer sweet release. Matsuda tensed, panic catching in his throat.

"No!" He inhaled sharply, his vision blurred. Just the thought alone was enough to make Matsuda want to recoil and smash something against the wall. "L, please don't give up... you have so much to live for."

Perhaps it was a rare moment of clarity when L could gather his thoughts. He found himself snorting.

"Like what? To be a sperm toilet for the rest of my life? I don't feel like a human anymore, Touta. I want to die."

"It's more than that," he implored, gently dragging the rag over L's cheek. His voice dropped to a whisper so breathy that not even the cameras would be able to pick it up. "L. There were so many things I wanted to show you after we were free. I was... going to take you to see a sunset on the beach. Then we'd stay there and look up at hundreds of thousands of stars and then... s'mores."

It may have been a childish dream, but it was what Matsuda held on to. L craned his neck so he was silently observing, his gaze still a void, sucking everything in rather than outwardly displaying emotion. But for just a brief second, Matsuda thought he caught the glimpses of a fleeting smile. L nodded slowly, breathing quietly as well.

"That sounds amazing."

Matsuda's heart leapt. He tenderly brushed a few strands of hair away from the man's face, his fingers lingering. Matsuda swallowed, nerves suddenly pounding his stomach. It was time to put his plan to action. And the first order of business... His voice dropped low, making sure his lips were barely moving.

"L... I need you to take the switch."

L faltered, squinting.

"... What?"

"We can get out of here, but Light needs to think you're broken."

Broken. L touched at his chest, humming. Get out of here... Matsuda had an escape plan? L quivered, the thought of finally leaving the cell making his ears ring.

"Touta-"

"Just trust me, okay?" Matsuda croaked.

L stared at him, his throat bobbing. He nodded slowly, exhaling shakily. It felt like a giant weight had been lifted off of him. Like he could finally give in without completely surrendering. 

"Touta... Just be careful..."

Those same words... even now, L was the one worrying about him? Matsuda gave a teary smile.

"I will."

Matsuda kept tending to L's wounds until he realized the other had fallen asleep, his chest moving up and down slowly. Stroking L's hair, Matsuda felt a deep surge of affection. He wanted to hug him close and never let go... at least from now until they escaped, L would be in a better position. He had to take comfort in that.

* * *

The next day, Light came into the cell, claiming he wanted to give L a massage.

That he felt sorry for all the punishment L had to endure.

L didn't say anything, his head bobbing. He slowly stretched out on his bed, slipping off his clothing. He stared up at the ceiling, at the same fucking grey concrete ceiling he'd seen for about five years now. Still. L couldn't help but flinch when Light sat next to him and gently touched the back of his palm to L's cheek.

He looked up at Kira. His god. His master. His lover. Could he really betray Light?

For just a brief moment, the thought of telling Light that Matsuda had an escape plan crossed his mind. He blanched, trying to push the thought down. No, no, he wouldn't do that. Instead, he automatically nuzzled Light's hand. L's eyes flickered closed as he felt warm, almost burning fingers gently touch the sides of his face. Light's massage along L's synapses, every glide of his fingers, made L tremble.

"You're so incredibly beautiful," Light murmured, dragging his fingertips down L's jaw and hooking a finger against his lips.

L forced a smile, kissing the finger.

"Thank you, Master. That-that's such high praise from you."

Light hummed, continuing to massage downwards. L tried to pretend it was Matsuda.

In his mind's eyes, he was in a cottage on the beach, the door open and letting in a breeze. He was lounging lazily, both him and Matsuda naked. Matsuda smiled down at him, his hands moving over L's body and carefully maneuvering around his wounds, making sure he didn't hurt him. A small smile pressed over L's lips. Every touch made him moan softly, sliding his hand up Matsuda's arm. He wanted Matsuda to fuck him. Or maybe even be the one to fuck him. God knows during the investigation how many times L fantasized about having Matsuda under him, panting and begging for more. All he knew was that these slow sensual massages made him want to jump the other, kiss and taste his skin. To have their limbs tangled and exhaust each other. Matsuda was so wary about the thought of sex with L, but- but if L's time with Light had taught him anything... sex meant love! Light had sex with him because he loved him... What relationship didn't have sex? T-there was nothing _wrong_ with L...

Right?

L's fingers went to Matsuda's face and he faltered, reality crashing back. Oh. He was still with Light.

Light made a pleased noise, leaning into L's fingers.

L blinked. What just happened? A daydream? It felt too real. And he hadn't fallen asleep. Maybe he really was losing his mind.

He inhaled sharply when Light flipped him, making L's cheek press to the bed. He tensed feeling Light's hands on his back now, rolling and kneading. L pretended it was Matsuda again, an obscene moan vibrating his throat. He felt cold, serpentine lips on the back of his neck and imagined large fangs sinking into his skin.

"I really am sorry for all you've gone through... Matsuda's out of line."

Out of line?

No, it wasn't Matsuda's fault. T-they were going to escape. L repeated as a mantra to himself. He opened and closed his mouth, taking on a pathetic tone. L just wasn't sure whether or not the tone was acting.

"He scares me... I don't like it when he hurts me."

Light shivered in excitement, licking his tongue along the shell of L's ear. L shuddered under the tongue, his nostrils flaring. Light pressed his lips to L's temple, voice smooth like honey and enticing.

"Choose me. You won't ever have to be scared of him again."

L swallowed thickly. It felt much more of a relief than it should've when he nodded slowly.

"I love you, Master... I want to be with you."

"You do?" Light breathed, his voice hitched with disbelief.

It was happening? He'd finally broken L?

L nodded, squeezing his eyes shut to stop tears.

"Yes... I want to... want to ride you while you split me apart... fuck, I want you so badly, Kami. I want... to be safe... and happy."

Light made a small giddy noise, his lips going up. He turned L around so they were facing each other, dark amber eyes meeting light grey ones. L was much too aware of Light's body pressing against him, Light's excitement making itself known against his thigh.

"You won't regret this," Light whispered, "I'll take care of you... and love you. You'll never be sad or hurt again. I swear. Tomorrow morning... you'll wake up in a new life."

Light's lips leaned down. L's own parted slightly, shocked at how tender the action was. The skin of Kira's lips were so warm... he could get lost in the sensations. L slowly tangled his fingers through the other's hair, swaying.

"Thank you," L breathed.

He hugged Light, taking comfort in tanned, hard muscles. L breathed heavily, feeling himself slip. _Matsuda... this idea of yours better work... I'm not sure how long I can resist_.

* * *

Of course Matsuda was expecting it. But he still acted surprised and scared when guards burst into his room in the middle of the night, pointing their weapons at him.

Matsuda let out a cry of terror for good measure, cowering on the floor. He was roughly grabbed and pulled, shoved out the room and towards the north tower. It was a chilled night, clouds covering the moon and stars, leaving the guards to lead him. He faltered, his eyes wide when he saw a guard carrying an unconscious L wrapped in a blanket in the opposite direction, the man's head lolled forward. A doctor followed L closely behind, checking over notes and nodding thoughtfully.

He tried not to watch the small bundle, his heart going out to the other. Matsuda swallowed thickly, allowing himself to be roughly pushed into the cell, the grey walls annoyingly familiar. The guard made a gruff noise, slamming the door closed.

"Kami will explain the situation in the morning."

Matsuda didn't need an explanation. He made himself shake though, dipping his head.

"I'm sorry if I've upset him! I love him!"

The guard ignored him, promptly marching out and up the stairs. Matsuda watched silently, his lips pursed. There was no sight of the outside, the only light coming from that same stupid artificial yellow bulb.

He bit his lip, gazing at the bars. If Koharu did what they'd agreed upon, he wouldn't be in this cell for too long. He'd just have to wait about a week to dispel Light's suspicions. Matsuda stretched out on the stiff bed, his heart hammering in his throat.

No turning back now. He didn't know what else to do, and if this didn't work, well then... he supposed he'd have to live with the consequences.

* * *

L was naked and on something soft. Possibly the softest thing he'd ever felt in his life. He almost didn't want to move. But when he felt a hand caressing his back, his eyes sluggishly opened.

He gaped, his senses assaulted by new things. He was on a giant bed, plush with deep red blankets and a million pillows. So many colors and patterns... L was sinking into it, feeling like he was on a cloud. The curtains had been drawn, filtering out most of the light... but L could still see a sliver of natural sunlight through the crack.

Sunlight.

Real, honest to God sunlight.

He glanced down at his wrists. For the first time in years, the chains were... gone... his wrists and ankles felt so light, even though there was chafing and raw skin left behind. He gingerly poked at his skin, his mouth falling open. No more metal constantly in contact with his skin. L let out an incoherent sound, holding his wrists close to his chest. 

Light was on the bed next to him, reading while petting L's back, his fingertips dragging lightly. L slowly sat up and gaped, seeing a tray of food on the bedside table. Anything he could've possibly imagined... danishes, croissants, cakes, strawberries, brownies, pancakes... L inhaled sharply, his limbs shaking. Oh _God_ , it all looked amazing. Just this room was so different from his cell, almost overwhelming him.

As if reading his mind, Light grinned kindly.

"It's all yours, Love. Any food you could possibly desire."

L's eyes slid in Light's direction, wide and disbelieving.

"... Mine?"

When Light nodded again, L practically pounced on the food, shoveling it into his mouth. He groaned, not caring that his fingers were getting sticky, or that his body wasn't used to so much food. He scooped icing into the cup of his hand, consuming it in a few seconds flat.

Light watched on amusedly, chuckling at L's ferocity.

"Easy, Pet, you don't want to be too hard on your stomach."

L wanted to argue. He wanted to scream and cry that he'd have as much food as he pleased. But Light was his master. L slowly retracted himself from gorging, opting to nibble and eat slower. Light nodded in approval, his eyes soft.

"That's it, Baby. Feel better?"

L nodded, a small smile crossing his lips. This felt amazing... luxury he would've never dreamed of.

Clasping his hands together, Light moved for the dresser, throwing it open and rummaging through various outfits.

"I'm so glad you chose me over Matsuda. It really hurt my feelings that you seemed to like him more. I'd even say I felt a touch of resentment." Light pouted.

He flinched, guilt worming up his stomach. L realized that it really had been best that he don't know the escape plan... the odds were he'd have told Light. He looked down at his fingers, wringing them with the velvety blanket, marveling in the fur and how something could be so soft.

"I thought I loved Matsuda... but all he did was hurt me."

L's mouth burned with the lie. Light had shown such kindness this morning... he wanted to fall to his knees, tell his god that Matsuda was planning on betraying him. L sank his teeth into his tongue, using the pain to center himself.

"Hm. That he did. No more, Pet. You've shown your love for me above all else... for that, I'll make sure no one lays a single finger on you."

The words were sweet. L smiled serenely and nodded, examining his master's broad shoulders. Light made an 'aha' noise and pulled out a dark blue silk shirt. It was see-through and L knew his torso would be on display in it. Either way, he scooted forward excitedly, anticipating new clothing. Light fished out some pants and a fur coat.

"We're going to slowly acclimate you to everything. For the next week or so, we'll be staying inside the castle and you'll learn how to act as my official consort."

L squirmed at the responsibility in the statement, but bowed his head in understanding. So Light would be spending practically every moment with him... L stared at the blanket. It was the perfect distraction to keep Light's attention occupied. But he wondered if that was really the extent of it.

 _What are you planning, Matsuda_?

Purring lovingly, Light moved towards L, gently tilting his new consort's chin up.

"First things first, Love. You've been in that cell a long time. You're hair's much too long and matted. I'd say it's time for a cut."

Cut his hair? L tilted his head, bowing it respectfully.

"Whatever you desire, Master."

"That's what I like to hear. It's just the beginning, Love." Light touched L's shoulders excitedly. "I have a bunch of new modifications planned!"


	8. Just a Little Longer

"It's hard to walk," L admitted softly, averting his eyes, "... or at least, I get winded easily."

He really had tried to stay in shape in the beginning. L had even had a full workout regiment schedule. But as time had passed and the torture continued... L fell off it. He stopped seeing a point in taking care of his muscles and what little fat he'd had withered away. Now just the thought of walking around the castle made his heart jump uncomfortably. Light waved an unconcerned hand, his eyes lighting up excitedly.

"It's fine! Oh, oh! I've actually been wanting to try something!"

Light kneeled in front of L, gently touching his chin. The fingers were so feathery and soft that L gaped, his eyes flickering. Light bit his lip.

"I've always wanted to try traveling in a palanquin, but I thought it might be too archaic... but now I can!"

L tilted his head slightly. A palanquin... this place really was meant to be Kira's dreams realized. He nodded gratefully, leaning into Light's grip.

"I'd be honored, Kami."

A pleasant shiver ran up his spine when Light hoisted him, carrying him as if he weighed nothing. L wrapped his arms around Light's neck, cooing intently.

The palanquin was rather lavish, being carried by four guards. Inside were pillows arranged for maximum comfort. L flushed, slowly sprawling himself out over the pillows and closing his eyes with a sigh, enjoying the bliss. Light followed, gently petting L. As the palanquin moved and was lifted, Light's hand skimmed along L's things, his hand slipping beneath L's new pants and wrapping around his member. L's hips rolled into the grip, his eyes going back in pleasure as he rested the back of his head into Light's shoulder. Every steady stroke sent him pleading and gaping, nuzzling into Light's neck. He felt Kira chuckle, the sound low and vibrating.

"You can come, my Pet."

L gave a strained sound, pleasure making his mind blank as he came. Just a few strokes from his master and he was a puddle... The two of them were hidden behind silk sheets, making it just the both of them in the world. L curled into Light's body. He internalized the swaying of the palanquin, his master's beating heart. L sighed.

"I'm so happy," he murmured.

"I'm glad, Pet," Light whispered, hugging L close and gently kissing the man's temple.

The staff instantly identified L as the favorite consort.

Unlike Matsuda, L joined Light in his meetings. As Kira's advisors sat around the table discussing global affairs, L sat at Light's feet, rocking and trying to piece himself together enough to eavesdrop and scheme. But then Light's hand was in his hair, silently urging his pet to clamber onto his lap. And it all slipped. L didn't think twice, straddling his master and hiding his face into that strong, tan neck. No one around the table paid him any mind. L kissed along Light's jaw, the kisses sloppy and warm as he wrapped his arms around Light. Around his god.

Light hummed pleasurably, leaning into his consort's lips and barely paying attention to his advisors.

* * *

The rest of the day passed in a blur for L.

He was vaguely aware of getting a haircut, the soft snipping of the scissors lulling him. When he opened his eyes again, the giant mop that he knew as his hair was gone, replaced by a stylish, swept forward style. L slowly touched his hair in awe. He'd never had his hair so short and detangled. Light watched on proudly and gently fluffed up L's hair, purring in approval.

"Stunning."

L preened at the praise, accepting Light's next kiss without indication of a fight. The next thing he knew, he was getting his ears pierced, small golden Ks dangling from the new holes. He watched himself in the mirror, smiling. He looked so much better... As he was brought to the large bathroom, he sighed happily, shedding his clothing without any hesitation.

Light scanned his pet, sighing heavily and pouting. Eventually, he'd have to pay Matsuda a visit... and it was imperative L didn't interact with the other. All these joyful emotions... Light wanted to be the sole cause of them. He stepped up behind L, running a hand up and down his thigh.

L groaned, leaning into the hand and tilting his head for better access. His blood ignited with fire, the feeling of belonging to Light so... inexplicably _right_. Light's lips brushed his ear, sending shivers racing up his spine. L's eyes slipped shut, his heart pounding.

"Pet. I want you to take your bath, okay? I'll be back soon."

A spike of panic shot L's stomach. He gaped, his lip quivering. L wanted to ask Light to stay, as much as he wanted him gone. He nodded a bit, forcing a reassuring smile.

"I'll miss you." L sighed dreamily. Yes... he'd miss warm hands kneading his muscles, Light's erect cock pushing into him. L bit his lip, almost whimpering when Light pulled away.

But he got into the tub, feeling the warmth seep into his bones. He sank lower into the tub, until his nose was just above the sweet-smelling water. Rose? His mind decided that yes, they'd used rose-scented foam bath. He didn't look up when he sensed a maid bustling around him, massaging shampoo into his hair. She started going to scrub his shoulders, but the second her fingers brushed bare skin, his eyes flew open. Panic overtook him and he sat up, his breath catching.

"Don't touch me!" He gasped, hunching in on himself.

The maid froze, her eyes wide.

"I-I'm sorry-"

He was still breathing heavily, his skin crawling with the memories of unwanted touches... L hugged his knees to his chest and stared at the water, not caring that he was getting cold and goosebumps peppered his arms. As soon as Light came back, everything would be okay. He smiled serenely, holding on to that.

There was a soft knock and a new maid poked her head in. She smiled at the other one.

"You're needed in the kitchen."

The first maid stammered, glancing back in L's direction. After a few seconds, she nodded rapidly and retreated.

Koharu stepped into the bathroom, quietly moving around, arranging towels and glancing in L's direction.

She believed Kira's justice should be as it was- swift and effective. A heart attack that no criminal could survive... a swift end to an unjust existence. Looking at the man though... the prisoner she'd brought food to so many times... there was nothing swift or effective about his imprisonment. She knew she was looking at a shell of a man, his eyes dead and unfocused, vacant and tortured. Kira used him like a toy, going beyond justice.

Koharu moved closer, tentatively clearing her throat.

"L?" She whispered.

L straightened, his eyes sliding in her direction. He swallowed thickly, his eyes flickering in uncertainty.

"Yes?" He asked slowly.

Koharu exhaled shakily and went to scratch in conditioner into his hair. As she did, she leaned down and whispered.

"I'm a friend of Touta's. I'm going to get the two of you out of here, but I need your help."

L shivered, a thumb going to his lips. He swirled it, his eyes going distant. Matsuda... all at once, he was pulled back into reality, finally feeling more lucid. So it looked like this plan involved him after all. He kept his gaze on the other end of the tub, humming thoughtfully. He hugged his knees tighter, his gaze flitting back and forth, trying to concentrate but god, the water smelled so sweet.

"How do I know I can trust you?"

For all L knew, she was working under Light to get him to slip up. But then again... Kami wouldn't do that to him, would he? L's nostrils flared at the confusion and frustration. She subtly nodded and cleared her throat, humming softly.

L stiffened.

That was... the song Matsuda played on his MP3. Memories bubbled to the surface... of him being supported by Matsuda's body as they swayed and danced. True joy. True love. L's eyes met hers, wide and disbelieving.

"You'll help us?" He murmured. L blinked, moving on before she could change her mind. "What do you need from me?"

Koharu released a breath, motioning for L to wash the conditioner out. L wrung his strands as he listened intently.

"How do we get in contact with Near? We don't know where we are, but Matsuda wants to use Near for the next best thing."

That peaked L's interest. He turned, leaning against the tub's side in intrigue. For just a moment, he forgot about everything going on, about the confusing torrent of emotions Light brought on. About promises, love, fear...

"What kind of 'next best thing'?"

"Touta wants to send Near a message to be suspicious of Light Yagami. The probability is that Near will break into Light and Misa's apartment looking for the death note. There will be two outcomes- either Near's team finds the notes, or they don't and Light becomes paranoid."

L listened intently, steely grey eyes settled on her, gunmetal and ready for adrenaline. Chuckling nervously, she continued.

"If Near's team finds the book, it's game over. But if they don't-"

"Light will most likely bring the note here," L finished, biting his lip, "especially since Matsuda's behind bars and I'm mostly, physically incapacitated, he'll feel like this is the safest place for it... but he's going to know someone contacted Near."

"Matsuda and I already thought about that," she grinned, "I just need you to tell me how to contact Near."

L stared, his pulse racing. He nodded slowly, easing back into the water. Closing his eyes, he sighed and told her about how his computer sent an encrypted message of his death.

"A man named Roger will receive the message, but he won't be able to send anything back."

Koharu listened intently, nodding periodically. A large smile crossed her lips as she placed a kind hand on his shoulder. L fought the urge to flinch, knowing she meant nothing by it.

"You'll be out of here in no time."

She didn't waste any time quickly leaving. L quietly watched after her. He ran a hand up and down his body, his fingers passing over scars and scabs, each one more deep and ugly than the last. His fingers kept traveling until he came to the scabs on his chest which spelled out 'Kira'. At this point, they were practically black... ugly, jagged marks across his pale skin. L curled up on his side, trying to lose himself in the feeling of the bath. His eyes went vacant as he picked at the scab, barely registering the pain. He was so torn. Matsuda really thought they could escape... he was just tired.

So tired.

* * *

Matsuda lounged, his back to the cold grey wall.

The chains that used to be on L were on him now... cold, metal and heavy. Just sitting still had them chafing his skin. He was already going insane wanting to scratch off his own limbs if it'd mean getting rid of these things. It was a miracle L had survived this long. The man was leagues stronger than Matsuda had ever even thought... and L had already been the strongest person in his mind.

Light practically danced in, his smile stretching from ear to ear. It was expected, of course, and Matsuda had to stop himself from snorting. Instead, he instantly dropped to his knees and hung his head in a submissive bow.

"Kami!" He fretted, "I'm sorry! Did- did I do something wrong?!"

Light's brow quirked and he chuckled darkly, crossing his arms.

"You know you can drop the act, right? It won't do you any good here."

Matsuda stayed in his position for another second, considering. Until he looked up at the other and scowled, moving back to his stiff bed. He languidly stretched out, his eyes cold and resentful.

"Thank God I don't have to pretend anymore. Having to act like your tiny dick was god-sized was _exhausting_."

Light snorted, seeming unaffected by the comment. Instead, he leaned against the bars, his voice a luscious purr.

"Well, L seems to like it. You should hear how he _begs_ to be fucked. And I give it to him... until he's screaming and crying in pleasure."

A shiver raced up Matsuda's spine. He fought the urge to charge at the bars... poke his fingers through the prick's eyes. Matsuda's jaw squared, his eyes hard as he examined the other man, huffing a short laugh.

"You really are something, Light... deranged, sadistic, delusional... definitely _something."_

Light's face finally soured, his lips twitching into a dangerous snarl. Funny. Matsuda found he couldn't care less. He was just buying time, anyway. Time for Koharu to realize Light wasn't by L's side, time for her to talk to him... time was really all Matsuda could give. Light violently snapped his fingers and guards marched in, kicking open the door. Matsuda didn't move, but he didn't need to as he was roughly held down, strong hands pinning him stomach-first against the bed.

Despite himself, he shivered, straining his neck to try and look at Light. But it was difficult, his peripheral filled by the guard's ugly features. He'd told himself so many times he wouldn't be scared. He'd had sex with Light for years... but he couldn't help trembling, his teeth chattering at the complete and utter _immobility_. The fact that he was literally powerless. It was so much worse than the bedroom, where at least he could pretend they were lovers. He understood L to an uncomfortable degree.

Matsuda bit back a whimper when he felt Light looming over him, lips attaching to the side of his neck. His heart echoed in his ear, uncomfortably loud and terrifying. Light hummed... and Matsuda could feel the cold metal of a knife. The clothing was quickly shredded away, torn into tatters around him and leaving him naked. Matsuda shook. From the cold, fear or humiliation, he couldn't tell.

Fingers roughly grasped his hair and jerked him to the floor. Matsuda bit back a scream, landing hard on stone, pain blossoming.

The guards stood off to the side, no longer holding him, but ready to jump into action if Matsuda tried hurting their god. Matsuda groaned, rolling to his knees and ignoring the throbbing pain in his side. Before he could stand up though, Light swiftly kicked his knee, sending him yelping and crashing back to a kneel, his breathing heavy. Matsuda stared at the ground, his vision swimming as he stayed in an awkward bow. Light hissed darkly, his vice bordering on insanity.

"You look so pretty... you're going to be my release valve, Touta... whenever I'm mad or frustrated... you'll essentially be a sperm toilet." He giggled, tipping up Matsuda's chin.

Matsuda's eyes widened, his skin crawling. Absolute victory. Absolute victory shone on his face... Matsuda could practically see him unravelling in his pride and arrogance. Even with Near on the case, he thought he'd won... that this was him enjoying the spoils of the game.

Maybe he was right.

Matsuda swallowed, the action like sandpaper. At least L would have a better life. Not by much, but all the food he could eat... entertainment... people to talk to... Matsuda squeezed his eyes closed, anything to avoid looking at the horrifying face above him.

Light gently ran a thumb along Matsuda's bottom lip, the action ridiculously gentle.

"Open."

He opened his mouth without question, knowing what was coming. Just as he expected, he could feel Light's member between his lips as Light roughly pushed himself into Matsuda's mouth, hitting the back of his throat. He was used to the feeling by now and managed to avoid gagging. He stared at Light's toned abs, the way Kira's breath stuttered in pleasure. He felt sick with himself, but Matsuda wrapped his tongue around the head, running along the veins and swirling at the head. Light's moan was obscene, his fingers carding through Matsuda's hair and tugging at the scalp. Matsuda gasped, putting on a pleased act as he licked and sucked, hollowing out his cheeks. He just wanted to get Kira off as quickly as possible.

The first thrust came without warning. Matsuda gasped, grasping at Light's legs and digging his nails into the man's thighs. For a moment, he was worried he'd hurt the other and would be punished, but to his relief, Light moaned at the feeling of Matsuda's nails, leaning into them. His hips snapped again, forcing Matsuda to relax his throat and escape to a better place... the beach with L.

Light's thrusts came in jagged jerks, holding Matsuda's head to his hips as he grunted. It was getting hard, Matsuda's vision swimming with the need to breathe. Instinctively, he tried coming up for air, but Light held him still. His thrusts were desperate, filling Matsuda's mouth and making his lungs burn. Light's damn watch kept bouncing off his forehead, the metal a hard, slapping annoyance. Bitter come burned Matsuda's mouth, tainting his tastebuds. It seemed endless ropes of come that kept him stuffed and unable to breathe... until he finally felt Light's grip loosen. He had to stop himself from slumping forward, the strength in his arms depleted. Matsuda's head hung, his breaths ragged and needy, the cell's air stale and heavy.

Matsuda sucked in a sharp breath when Light pulled him close, kissing him. He could taste cinnamon spice and apple, the two flavors both combining and clashing while Light dominated Matsuda's mouth, staking claim to every inch that silver tongue came across. Matsuda shuddered, tempted to pull away and let the consequences be damned. But he allowed Light to grab him and push him stomach-first onto the mattress again. Strong hands massaged Matsuda's hips, fingers skimming and plunging into his hole, thrusting and curling without mercy. Matsuda gasped, his head throwing back. Light stretched him open his fingers, rubbing along Matsuda's tight channel. _Endure. Just endure a little longer_. Soon enough, the fingers were replaced with Light's cock, and Matsuda's flesh was speared, every pound to his prostate making him see stars.

He would never tell anybody about how his body betrayed him. How saliva spilled from his lips or the lewd sounds that were plucked from his throat, dripping lust and fire. The way his back arched and his hips jerked backwards to meet Light's plunges, allowing him to hilt and split Matsuda's insides. But he couldn't deny that he let out groans and got hard, painfully hard.

It was a relief when Kira came, his hips rolling and holding Matsuda in a strange embrace, not shifting until he was spent. Matsuda panted, staring at the pillow.

"Come," Light ordered softly.

It was both a blessing and a curse. A throaty yell vibrated Matsuda's chest as he came, collapsing on the stiff bed and feeling it, cold against his stomach. Another piece of him chipped away. He didn't dare move, just feeling Light inside him. When the other pulled out, Matsuda whimpered, curling in on himself. He felt spent on so many levels, was still painfully aware of the guards in the corner. Light gently kissed his temple, stroking his hair.

"So pretty," he murmured.

Matsuda didn't respond, still shivering as they all left. He tried rolling to his feet, but couldn't. The air was so chilled... he wrapped the bed's blanket around his shoulders, huddling into the warmth. _I'm sorry, L... I had no idea just how bad it was_. There was nothing else he could do but try and fall asleep, somehow feeling even more violated than he had over the past five years.

Hanging his head, Matsuda sniffled. _Just a little longer_.

* * *

Near twirled a dart between his fingers and leveled it towards the board. His eyes narrowed a fraction as he tried tossing it, but watched it bounce harmlessly. His face never changed expression, but if one looked closely, they'd see his lips slightly pursed in annoyance. There was still no news on Mello. Once he'd joined the mafia, it was like he disappeared off the face of the Earth. Near ran a hand along his next dart, calculating where he went wrong. It's what L always taught him... if you fail, take a step back and assess the error before trying again. He felt a pang in his chest, but his eyes remained cool.

The door swung open and his eyes snapped in Lindner's direction. She blinked, holding out the secure phone.

"It's Roger. He just received a message on the encoded frequency."

Near froze, slowly looking at her... an encoded message similar to the one from Wammy's laptop? He silently held out a hand and she quickly placed the phone in it, retreating from the room. Near held it up to his ear, mindlessly twirling a strand of hair.

"Roger. This is important, right? We're supposed to have minimal contact just in case-"

"It _is_ important," he cut off urgently. "I-... I just received a message. It says 'L is alive. Light Yagami is Kira.'..."

Near stopped twirling the strand. He stared straight ahead, his insides roiling.

"Are you sure it's reliable information?" He breathed.

"No," Roger admitted softly, "there's no way for me to check whether it came from Quillish's computer or not."

Near didn't respond at first, lost in thought. This could be a trap... a part of him had already suspected Light Yagami. But as a member of the NPA, it was difficult to investigate and get close to him. It was all about finding evidence now.

He cleared his throat, his feet quiet on the floor as he moved into the SPK's main investigation room. Giovanni looked up, straightening out some papers.

"L-"

"Call me N for now," Near said quickly, waving a hand. "Giovanni, I need you to break into Light Yagami's apartment and search for the murder notebook. Lindner... I'm trusting in you to find Mello. He'll probably find this message _very_ interesting."

They both nodded affirmatively, each one racing to fulfill Near's wishes. Near sighed, finding himself hoping... wishing... that the message was real.

But if it was... where was L?

A few nights later and Giovanni was saying he couldn't find anything suspicious in the Yagami apartment. Misa had been out doing a photoshoot. Near hummed a bit, squishing one of his finger-puppets.

So Light had hidden the murder book.

And knowing how intelligent and cunning Kira was, Near could guess Light had other means to tell whether or not there'd been uninvited guests in his apartment. Means that even Giovanni missed. Near had basically announced his suspicion of Light specifically. He tugged a strand of hair, a part of him wondering if he'd made a mistake.

If Light did have the murder books, he'd probably take them even deeper into hiding. Someplace hidden to even Near... Near stiffened.

Maybe a place where L was being held.

If he was alive.


	9. His Everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: brief mentions of suicidal thought. Also mentions of prostitution.

Light sighed, holding L against his body. He pouted, tenderly running his fingers through the other's hair, curling and twisting the strands. Burying his face into the hair, he inhaled deeply, internalizing the scent of his pet. L remained immobile in his master's grip.

"Say you love me."

"I love you," L replied automatically.

He felt like a robot. Doing anything Light said without question. What was even the point? Light smiled, kissing his temple.

"Always good to hear, Baby... tell me a story."

L craned his neck, grey eyes large and curious.

"You want... me?... to tell you a story?"

Light nodded, listening to the gentle rain outside. He held L in a tight embrace, lazily drawing patterns over porcelain skin and slim features.

"Where did you come from?" He asked curiously, somehow sidling even closer.

He'd never given it much thought. It was like one day L just popped into existence, an adult and Light's nemesis. For what felt like the longest, L didn't say anything. He stared at the edge of the bed, his throat tight and uncomfortable. It wasn't a happy story by any means. But he wrung his fingers, watching his chewed nails.

"My mother was a prostitute, but she died giving birth to me," he admitted softly, "I have no idea who my father was. But I spent the first few years of my life in her old brothel... I was never taken to a hospital or received an official birth certificate, so everyone just called me L. It was like I didn't exist to the rest of the world... I guess I didn't. In a way, all of the girls there became my mothers... but the owner hated me. Blamed me for my mum's death." He leaned into Light's body heat, staring at the ceiling. Outside, he could hear distant claps of thunder and faint flashes of lightning.

It was beautiful. He wanted to be anywhere but here. His voice felt distant and detached, like he wasn't the one speaking.

"Every night, I'd hear them having sex. It was confusing and... scary. But it was just my life. Hearing rape was... normal... to me. So I'd read, draw, find some problems to challenge my brain. Anything to distract from the-the _sounds_. I loved the girls though, and I think despite their best interests, they came to love me too. When I was six, the owner started talking about training me. But they wouldn't let that happen..." He trailed off, the sound of rain bringing goosebumps.

Silence fell like a blanket. Light watched him, curiosity burning in the pit of his stomach. When L did speak again, it was a croak.

"One of the girls had a connection to a connection to Watari. She pulled some strings and in the middle of the night, they snuck me out to about a block or two away, where Watari picked me up. They saved me."

_"You're made for more than just being a whore."_

That's what Stella had said to him. Even as Watari took his hand and L was panicking because he'd always equated old men to danger, she told him he was worth more.

 _How disappointed she must be_. L shivered, a wave of utter _disgust_ filling him. He was filthy. Marked and claimed. Light's whore.

Light didn't say anything for a long time, his eyes wide with shock. If he didn't know better, he'd say he even felt twinges of sympathy. He opened his mouth, the words lost on him when there was a frantic knock at the door. Still not taking his eyes off of L, Light shakily invited them in. Misa was on the phone, demanding that Light come back to the apartment.

She said it was urgent... that someone had broken in at some point. The door handle they used to keep track was up all the way. Light froze, his heart stopping in his chest. Near suspected him enough to break into his home.

"I'll be right over!"

Light scrambled out of bed, throwing on his clothing. He chanced a look at L. The man was on his back, staring vacantly at the ceiling. There was something extra empty about the expression. _Oh fuck, I hope he doesn't try to commit suicide._ The thought came before he could fully register it and Light hesitated. Stepping out into the hallway, he lowered his voice towards the guard.

"Keep a close eye on him. Make sure he doesn't self-harm or... make any attempts on his life."

The guard's eyes widened a fraction, but he dutifully nodded, his head dipping respectfully.

Light sighed. He didn't want to be away from L for so long... but he had to deal with this. _Near, I'm going to make you suffer the worst death I can possibly think of_.

* * *

L sat in the dining room, snapping a piece of chocolate between his teeth. He sat back, letting the sweet flavor hit his tongue and send him to cloud nine, making the rest of the world drift away. It was a strange juxtaposition. He didn't want to eat, and yet he had to. Here was peaceful and calm. A day when Light wasn't at the castle, off on some urgent business. L supposed he should've been ecstatic about a day without sex. And in a way, he was. But Light's large cock... missing from his body... it felt wrong. Left him on edge. His eyes slipped shut, his chest quivering.

 _Whore_.

His stomach turned on him and he wanted to vomit.

The door opened and he glanced in its direction. Two guards stood on either side of the exit, stoic and emotionless. The guards had been extra attentive to him today. L shrank back a bit, subconsciously trying to hide his exposed midriff. He knew the rest of the staff only saw him as a whore. A sex object meant for their god's pleasure.

 _Whore_.

Akio took a step forward, scanning over L. In turn, the hairs on the back of L's neck stood at full attention. He'd always followed his intuition. It's how he was still alive and not dead as a child. Every alarm blared in his brain, filling him with a sick sense of dread that seeped into his stomach and made his bones cold. Through the stoic expressions, L could see an underlying hunger.

"L," Akio greeted, glancing down at him, his eyes sparked.

L straightened, looking between Akio and the other guard, Kane. They were both bulky men, looking like they could snap L in half if they wanted. L's eyes narrowed a fraction, his voice venomous.

"Cameras," he reminded with a growl.

Akio's lips twitched.

"The guard on camera duty agreed to tamper with the footage... as long as he got a copy of the tape. You see, Kira's previous consort... did favors for us. In exchange for favors as well. We're just gaging where you fall into this system."

L's mouth went dry. He slowly looked between the two guards, trying to stop himself from shaking.

"I'll tell Light."

"He'll say you're filthy and used up. That you're not worthy to be his." The guard sneered.

Would that happen? L bit his thumb, tasting the bitter tang of blood. How did Matsuda do this? How did he navigate these fucked up people and politics? Did he really have to... he shook his head, shrinking back into his seat.

"Get away from me."

Akio's face twisted into an ugly snarl, a vein bulging in his temple.

"Listen," he growled, grasping L's arm. L inhaled sharply, his limb like a twig in the man's grasp. "You're a prisoner. Nothing divine or commanding about you."

That hit like a kick to the gut. L's mouth fell open, speechless.

 _I bet they listened to Matsuda. Matsuda was probably like Kira when Kira wasn't around_. L stared at the man, his voice heavy in his mouth. Perhaps if he found that other person he used to be... Lawliet... he could find a way to manipulate the situation. Lawliet would've whipped this man into his place in five seconds flat. But the creature he was now... L tried pulling his arm back. His features twisted into a snarl, hiding the fear underlying.

"Let go. Let go of me! I'll fucking kill you!"

Akio chuckled, pushing L to the ground, horizontal. L yelled, holding his feet up and desperately trying to kick the man away. He wouldn't just let this happen. _But you let it happen with Light. Every night. At least three times a day_. L faltered, his brow furrowing. He did... the distraction was enough for Akio to clamber on top of him, pinning him to the floor. L screamed, squirming and spitting out curses.

"Get off! _Get off!_ "

He could hear laughing and felt strong hands shifting his clothing. His vision swam, the terror threatening to drag him under.

_Whore._

He wanted to die.

L wanted it all to end.

One step over the line and into the forest. That's all it'd take. 

A horrified shriek tore through his throat...

"Hey! What's going on over here?"

Akio cursed quietly, his eyes snapping towards the door. L was still violently shaking, his teeth chattering uncomfortably. When he looked past Akio, he could see that maid... Koharu... at the door, her arms crossed. Kane's jaw tensed, his voice accusatory.

"None of the maids are supposed to be in this section at the moment."

For just a second, Koharu's eyes flickered. She straightened though, her gaze drifting back to the consort pinned under the guard. L was deathly quiet, but obviously trembling, his face hidden in his arm. Koharu snorted a harsh laugh, her eyes serpentine as they locked with Akio's.

"If you let him go now, Kami _might_ not hear about this."

Akio's face soured. He looked between her and L, snorting out a growl before standing and motioning for Kane to follow.

L stayed on the floor, shivering. His body felt filthy, and they hadn't even raped him. What disturbed him the most though was that his first thought wasn't 'I was about to be raped'... it was 'Light wouldn't want me if I was raped by them'. He stared at the floor, his stomach twisted. How fucked up was that? The coolness of the tile seeped into his skin, cooling it from the heat the fear had left behind.

He flinched, a scream catching in his throat when Koharu gently touched his shoulder. She smiled softly and reassuringly, her eyes kindly. It was easy to relax under her gaze, his limbs slowly unwinding from their locked position. He struggled to a sitting position, drawing his knees to his chest and shuddering. L avoided looking her in the face, simply staring at the ground.

Koharu hesitated, scanning him quietly. Sighing, she placed a piece of paper on the ground next to him.

"From Matsuda. I was the one who gave him breakfast this morning."

She retreated a few steps, watching his back. Guilt gnawed at her. How many times had she brought the man meals and forced herself not to look at him? If Matsuda hadn't convinced her that he was a human deprived of love, she probably would've stayed in denial. Wringing her fingers, she scurried out of the room, disappearing down the hall before anyone could see her.

L's eyes went to the paper. His hand quivered as he picked it up and slowly opened it, smoothing the creases along his leg. The paper crinkled in response and he scanned over the words, his heart instantly jumping to his throat.

_L,_

_I'm sorry to say you should destroy this letter once you've read it. I needed to talk to you though, but it's too dangerous for us to meet face-to-face. I need you to know how much I love you. You're strong, stronger than I could've ever imagined. To have even remotely survived living in this cell, I commend you and am in awe. I know it must be so confusing up there. That Light must be messing with your mind and you have no idea what to do. Someday, we'll be free. I swear. If it's the last thing I do, you'll be free._

_And then, maybe someday, I'll ask you to marry me. Would you? Would you marry me?_

_(I don't know if this is an adequate proposal, I thought it'd be cute and kind of suave but then I was like "oh fuck, but what if it's not super romantic?" and then I wanted to wait until we were free and I could get you a ring, but I really wanted to propose via super sweet letter and I think I'm rambling, but since Koharu brought only a pen, I can't erase, and now I'm making a mess and wasting all my space. This isn't going at all how I planned. Ok, I'm going to stop rambling now)._

_I love you. I wish I could hold and kiss you._

_You're my everything._

_Touta._

Married? A few years ago, L would've found the very construct of marriage ridiculous. Pure fodder and a waste of money. L almost laughed out loud. Why would Matsuda want something as broken as him?

The note was so simple, but it left him speechless. He pressed it to his chest, exhaling shakily. There was a pressure building behind his eyes, threatening to burst. His everything. He was Matsuda's everything... not his whore...

"I love you," he whispered, his eyes slipping shut as a tear forced itself down the bridge of his nose.

He rocked, holding the paper against him, a gentle reminder and a promise.

Freedom.

L smiled.

* * *

Light paced, chewing his fingernails. Someone had been in the apartment... thankfully, the death note was still tucked in his desk, well-hidden in the shadows. But that didn't mean it'd be safe forever... or that Near wouldn't send others to the apartment. He cursed, sliding a hand through his hair. Did someone betray him? His eyes snapped in L's direction, narrowed suspiciously. The man was curled up on top of the bed, naked. L's delicate pale form rose and fell, his gentle snores filling the air. With his sleek collar and his lithe body in such a tight ball, he looked like the puppy he was. The dog he was always meant to be. Light exhaled slowly. No. L couldn't have betrayed him. He hadn't had any access to a computer since leaving his cell, sneaking around at night would almost be impossible with his physical condition and the guards were keeping an eye on him.

Besides.

Light took a step towards the bed, slowly running a hand through his pet's hair. L shivered and sighed, leaning into the touch with a serene smile. Light's own lips went up. dreamily. His pet loved him. And he loved his pet. L's beautiful body and mind were his. All his.

Matsuda being in the cell instantly cleared him of being the traitor... which meant he was probably working with someone. Light growled. He'd have to weed out the traitor. Once he did that though, this place would probably be the safest for the death note. The only people who came and went from the castle were himself and the food delivery man. He nodded decidedly to himself. Bending down, he pressed his lips to L's temple, reveling in his pet's sweet taste before pulling back. Sighing, he marched for the camera rooms.

Nothing. If the computers in the room were used, any evidence had been wiped clean. And if anyone had bribed the food delivery man, they'd managed to do it while avoiding the cameras, or maybe even tampering with the footage. Light leaned back in the chair, gnawing on his fingernails. _Damn_. He drummed his fingers. As much as he hated to consider it... L might have a connection to the traitor. He'd have to figure out how to draw the traitor from the shadows.

There was a snake in his Eden.

Poison in his paradise.

This was holy, sacred ground and the fact that the betrayal happened on such hallowed soil was more upsetting to Light than the betrayal itself.

"I'll find you..."

* * *

L sat in the theater, guards at the door. Light was taking longer than usual, and it was disconcerting. Oh, well. As the inane movie played on the screen, L drew. This was one of the few rooms without cameras... He sighed contently, sketching out Matsuda's face, his pencil carefully scratching. He'd always been good at art, at least that's what...

Watari...

said...

L's hand over the paper froze. He gave a soft smile, remembering showing the older man his drawings and Watari completely fawning over them. Watari was never supposed to have played favorites, but growing up, L knew for a fact he was the favorite. L sighed, but opted to just keep drawing, each delicate line bringing Matsuda's face to life. Of course he'd have to destroy it. It was just a shame. There was a hesitant knock at the door and L quickly stuffed the picture against his waistband, looking back.

Itsuki bowed his head.

"L-sama, Kami requires your presence by the forest."

The forest? Anxiety gnawed up L's stomach and he subconsciously touched at the collar.

"... I'm on my way."

Itsuki nodded and stepped away. Looking down at his picture, L shredded it into a million pieces. Just for good measure, he shoved some of the scraps into his mouth before tossing out the rest, quietly following Itsuki.

The winter was frigid, a cold wind blowing right through L's jacket. He was grateful to at least _have_ the jacket.

Light stood on the orange line that spelled death for whoever stepped over it. In front of him were ten people, about a foot away from the line and staring out into the darkness. There was a foreboding feeling in L's chest as he watched everyone, his stomach twisting and knotting. He didn't like eyes on him. Of the ten, L recognized Akio and Koharu, their heads quietly bowed. But all of the people lined up were those who L had been in close contact with over the past few days.

Light swept out an arm, eyes sparking crazily as he addressed L.

"Hey Baby, so I think there's a traitor in our midst!"

L's eyes widened a fraction, but he didn't respond. Coming up around him, Light pressed his lips into the crook of L's neck, his warm breath making L shiver. He could feel Kira's body pressed against his back, a tent in Light's pants against his backside.

"If you believe so, then there must be one," L conceded, swallowing thickly.

Light nodded, his hips grinding agonizingly slowly, bringing a whimper from L's throat. The world went hazy. L could hardly focus on the people in front of him as Light ground, his arms wrapped around L's thin frame.

"Exactly," he purred, his teeth gently nipping at L's ear.

L gasped, his knees buckling. He leaned back into Light's body, his mouth moving, silently begging. Light gently ran his fingers up and down the front of L's throat, hooking a thumb into his consort's mouth as he whispered.

"You used to be a pretty good detective. Help me. Help me weed out the traitor."

He nodded rapidly, his blood on fire. Every neuron and synapse in L's brain was fizzling, making his mouth fall open in pleasure.

"Kami... oh, fuck..."

"Who's the traitor?" Light's voice wormed into his ear, digging into his fog-filled mind.

L gripped Light's hands, squeezing them. He just needed to feel the heat from them, the strength and smoothness. Light's hand drifted downwards, cupping and palming L. He let out a sinful sound, his eyes sluggishly flickering over the people in front of hm. A part of him was about to say Koharu, but his eyes settled on Akio.

Akio wasn't looking at him, but he could tell the man had tensed, shifting from foot to foot. L's eyes sparked darkly, overcome with an absolute need to see the man dead. Akio risked glancing up and his eyes widened a fraction, locking with L's gaze. L glared back, his eyes stormy and biting. The expression was quickly gone, replace by dreaminess. He moaned, kissing up Light's jaw. His tongue passed over the shell of Light's ear.

"Akio. He's the traitor."

Light watched him for a moment. L didn't have to act too much. Akio _was_ a traitor. L hadn't lied. Kira's brow stitched together, trying to find the deception on L's features. Could his consort be lying? But L's face was completely serious, no hint of trickery. Light's brow quirked, but he nodded slowly, motioning to his guards.

"Toss Akio over the line."

Akio let out a panicked sound, quickly shaking his head desperately. Light's guards drew their guns, aiming them directly at Akio's chest. The man gave a terrified cry, whimpering pathetically. His eyes welled pleadingly and he fell to his knees.

"Please! Please! I worship you, Kami! I love you! Please don't do this!"

L watched coldly as the man was ceremoniously tossed over the line. Almost instantly, the collar exploded, cutting off Akio's dying scream. Blood splashed up, the man's head charred and half-destroyed. Pieces of flesh hung from what used to be his cheek, one of his eyes completely melted. L's nose wrinkled at the smell of cooked meat, his throat bobbing. Akio's body fell with a fleshy thud, blood seeping from the stump neck and staining the grass. Maybe he should've felt some iota of sympathy. Not for the man, but for a life lost.

He found he just didn't have that in him. He was happy about the man's death.

Everyone else yelled in shock, scrambling away from the line.

Koharu trembled, realizing how close she'd been to dying. Tears sprang to the corners of her eyes as she held her arms, her body going into shock.

Light nodded solemnly, looking around at them all.

"You may go back to work. I'm sorry you all had to witness that... but take comfort that you're all good people, pure and kind."

They all nodded in a daze, none of them moving off the ground. L leaned into Light, his eyes traveling over the people. Instead of letting his gaze linger, he turned to Light, placing a hand on the man's chest.

"I'm hungry," he pouted.

Light's lips twitched. He wrapped an arm around L's waist, holding him to his own hip possessively. Now that the traitor was gone, he could hide the note here. He knew for a fact Near didn't know about this location. He nodded into L's hair, playing with the strands.

"Well of course. Let's get something to eat, Baby."

L followed, turning his back to the people at the line. He smiled sweetly towards Light, pretending to sigh happily. It wasn't too hard to pretend. Engaged to Matsuda. Akio dead. Koharu helping. Light bringing the death note and their plans progression. It almost felt surreal. L had never had this much hope in a long time. He intertwined his fingers with Light's, watching the man.

Grinning, Light touched his fingers to L's chin, bringing his lips in for a tender kiss.


End file.
